Hillary Clinton Literally Sharpening Her Claws in Preparation for Showdown With Trump

SMORD SOUND, WASHINGTON — While campaigning in the State of Washington ahead of its March 22nd Democratic Primary, Hillary Clinton made an unscheduled stop at restaurant supply store and bought several commercial grade knife sharpeners. When asked about the purchase later, she explained that she was preparing for a General Election showdown between herself and Donald Trump.

“I’m going to sharpen my claws and get ready for Trump,” Clinton told reporters after a rally in Smord Sound, a small fishing community on the coast of Washington, “and I mean that quite literally.” Ms. Clinton then produced a large burlap sack from which she removed various metal claws. The former Secretary of State said she planned to wear the claws in all the debates she holds with Trump, but not to threaten physical harm. “I just want to intimidate him a little, knock him back on his heels,” Clinton said.

Clinton told members of the press she doesn’t want Trump thinking he can behave with her as he has with other women like Megyn Kelly.

“I pity him if he tries any of that bullshit with me,” Clinton reportedly told key staffers yesterday, “and I will break out these claws at the first debate the first time he tries it.” She also reportedly told campaign staff she intended to be suited up in full medieval armor, and would carry a broadsword onto the debate stage. “Presidential debates are no different than gladiator tournaments, and I will supp from my vanquished foe’s empty skull…metaphorically,” Hillary was said to have told her team.

The Trump campaign issued a short statement after news of Ms. Clinton’s claw sharpening broke.

Donald Trump is a yooge fan of medieval weaponry. There is no one more highly trained than he is in the art of hand-to-hand combat. If Madame Secretary Clinton wishes to get it on, we will get it on. Friggin’ winners don’t friggin’ back down from a fight. That is why at the first debate between Ms. Clinton and Mr. Trump, you will see a yooge friggin’ arsenal accompany the Donald onto the stage. The American people want to see a fight to the death, and goddamnit, that’s what we will give them. Let’s make America great/racist/xenophobic/homophobic/Islamaphobic again.

Reached for comment, Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) said he would add “finding out where Hillary got her claws from” to the list of action items his special House panel on the Benghazi attacks is investigating.

“I am not positive there is a link between Ms. Clinton’s claws and Benghazi,” Gowdy said, “but finding out where Hillary got her claws from may just open up another avenue down which we can dump millions of dollars investigating something that will turn up nothing. Because that’s what being fiscally responsible means to Republicans now.”


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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