HOBART, ARKANSAS — Clem O’Connell is certain of many things in life. He is certain that socialism always fails unless it’s called Social Security, Medicare, or the United States Armed Forces. He is certain that at some point in time the United States was a Christian-only nation that only held conservative beliefs. He is certain the planet is only 6,000 years old and climate change is false. Clem is also certain beyond any doubt that Hillary Clinton has broken “at least one law” that should put her behind bars.
He just can’t think of what that law is right now, he told our reporter.
“She must have broken at least one law that should land her in a cell for the rest of her life,” Clem said, “and just because several investigations have shown she didn’t, does that really mean we have to keep presuming she did?”
We asked where he got his law degree from.
“I’m not a lawyer,” Clem said, “and I think colleges are just liberal brainwashing institutions. So keep in mind I have no formal training to back any of this up. But Hillary clearly belongs in prison.”
Mr. O’Connell says that after having several “online discussions” on various social media platforms, he has come to the conclusion he is right and Clinton belongs behind bars. He says that it’s impossible for so many people to be completely wrong about a subject and he said to “ask the people in the Heaven’s Gate cult about whether a group of people can make terrible assumptions based on things they don’t really understand at all.”
“All my other friends completely agree with me,” Clem said, “so how can six people be wrong, when three of them are related to you, and you’re sleeping with two of them? I don’t fuck people who aren’t truthful with me, so I know my cousin Cindy would level with me if she thought I was full of shit!”
Our reporter asked Clem if he could identify a single law on the books that Clinton actually broke.
“Other than the laws of humanity and freedom and liberty,” Clem demanded rhetorically, “no, I can’t. I mean, it’s on the tip of my tongue. But I can’t quite remember which law it was that she broke.”