LADO OESTE, CALIFORNIA — Helen Saderup is a 52-year-old California native who up until very recently considered herself “solidly in the Hillary Clinton camp.” But the events of the September 11th weekend have shaken Saderup’s confidence in Clinton, and Saderup told her colleagues at the local library that she’s not so sure anymore.
“I expect my presidents to be very fit, and in the best of health, always,” Saderup said, “whether it’s Billy Taft or Frank Roosevelt, our country has a rich tradition of only putting the healthiest. dare I say invincible candidate in the Oval Office, and now that I know Hillary gets sick from time to time? Well, it makes this librarian want to say fuck that.”
Saderup insists that even though John F. Kennedy managed to fulfill the duties of the office despite his near-crippling physical ailments, it’s “just different” in Clinton’s case.
“I say this even as a woman,” Saderup said, “but her having a vagina makes her different from every other man who held office. And we’ve never had a woman be president. So what if male bodies are just more equipped to handle being sick and presidential, while female bodies are weaker?”
Her coworkers asked Helen if she really thought a female’s body was somehow weaker or less capable of being sick and the president at the same time. Helen thought for a long moment.
“Sure, we can birth big babies out of our small vaginae,” Helen said, “and sure, I’ve worked with women for a long time and rarely see them call out sick, but I don’t know. It just seems dangerous putting a human into the White House who might end up getting a cold or the flu. Thank God she’s post-menopausal or I’d be afraid of her getting cramps and accidentally firing off a nuke from the PMS.”
Asked by her fellow librarians if that meant she’d be voting instead for Donald Trump this year, Helen hedged a bit.
“Well, now, I didn’t say that,” Helen said, “I’m just really nervous about putting an actual human being in the Oval Office. Sure, other people have served with all manner of ailments from alcoholism to actual debilitating physical conditions. But it’s different this time, and I can’t say exactly why. Other than it’s what the media is fixating on and helping the Republicans by not letting go of. I mean, yeah, thousands of people get pneumonia in this country every year, but they aren’t president, and we all know it says right in the Constitution that the president must be 35 years old, a natural born citizen, and superhuman.”
Just then, a TV in the library’s break room started airing a show about the election so far. It showed footage of Trump calling Mexicans rapists and murderers, making fun of a journalist with a disability, and giddily throwing a crying baby out of one of his rallies. Without hesitation, Helen spoke again.
“Okay, I’m voting for Hillary,” Saderup said emphatically, “because electing an actual case of pneumonia is better for the country than Trump would be. Hillary could have stage four ass cancer and vomiting all over the Oval Office and she’d be a better pick.”
Current polling shows Clinton with an edge over Trump in November’s election.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.