Aides Say Hillary Clinton’s Focused On The Future, Planning Best Way To Disappoint Liberal Americans Once Sworn-In

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA — Former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton (D) is, according to sources highly placed within her presidential campaign, beginning to “see the light at the end of the tunnel” and has begun planning her transition into power, becoming the first female president in American history. As part of her preparations, sources are also saying Ms. Clinton is deliberating on the first move she’ll make to the political right, thereby upsetting and alienating progressive Americans.

“It’s a long-standing tradition going back to 1992,” one campaign aide told us, “for allegedly progressive Democrats who win the White House to then pivot back to the right at least a tiny bit. They have corporate donors to appease, after all, don’t they?”

One aide said that while Ms. Clinton is planning to take the country in “bold new directions all over the place,” she is still very concerned with not changing “too much, too quickly.” Therefore, she plans to put Americans’ minds at ease by “not being nearly as liberal as her critics claimed or her supporters believed her to be.”

“Obama did it with investment bankers when he came into office,” one source said, “and Bill Clinton was very cozy with Republicans on welfare reform, repealing Glass-Steagal and the crime bill he signed was as close to a love letter to right-wing authoritarianism as one could hope for. Mrs. Clinton wants to carry on that tradition, as she sees value in both the new ways and the old.”

Reportedly, Clinton is most interested in disappointing liberals in the area of the economy, though aides say she is “very open” to the discussion.

“During the primary, Mrs. Clinton intimated she had wiggle room on abortion,” one source close to Clinton said on condition of anonymity and Whole Foods gift cards, “but she’s a Clinton. She makes arms deals with foreign dignitaries while decrying the gun lobby in America. She says she’s for a constitutional amendment reversing Citizen’s United, but she gives high-priced speeches to the people that would hurt most in terms of power and influence. So she’s got some areas she can disappoint America’s left-wing, sure.”

It’s unclear at this time, according to Clinton aides, whether the former Senator and First Lady will take any advisement as to which arena she most wants to fail progressives. She has indicated that she knows foreign policy is out because “she’s already disappointingly hawkish but that’s out in the open.” Ultimately, staffers say she’ll approach the decision the same way she approaches every task — with copious note taking, deliberation, and preparation.

“We know for a fact she’s going to be a neoliberal, corporatist in most ways,” a source said, “but we’re just not sure if it’ll be social or economic policy that she is interested in using to alienate her base. We’re sure she’ll triangulate which issue to disappoint liberals on soon, and when we know, you’ll all know.”

Current polling predicts a large landslide for Ms. Clinton in the Electoral College. Some projections show she could have the largest margin of victory since Ronald Reagan in 1984. This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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