Hillary Clinton’s Debate Sparring Partner Was Orange Bag Of Vomit That Spews Racist Propaganda

HAMPSTEAD, NEW YORK — The Hillary Rodham Clinton presidential campaign gave reporters a little insight into how their candidate prepared for tonight’s highly-anticipated presidential debate between Clinton and Donald Trump. The alleged billionaire and Republican nominee has attempted to set the bar of expectations for his performance quite low by intimating he did no debate prep whatsoever. Clinton, on the other hand, according to aides, took the direct opposite approach.

“Ever since Senator Bernie Sanders conceded the Democratic nomination to Ms. Clinton, she’s been debate sparring in preparation,” Sharon Hughes, Deputy Assistant Media Liaison for the Clinton camp told reporters, “and the partner she sparred most with was the orange bag of car sick vomit that we rigged up with a Bluetooth speaker hooked up to an iPhone blasting racist propaganda in a New York accent.”

Hughes says that idea to create the Trump analog for Clinton’s sparring purposes came from Ms. Clinton herself.

“Hillary was in her office, having breakfast,” Hughes said, “going over her latest kill lists and medications she’s secretly taking to fend off the obvious case of Parkinsons-AIDS — which is of course when your Parkinson’s disease mutates into AIDS, which she got because of Bill’s philandering, naturally. Suddenly, she calls us into the room and tells us she’s got a great idea.”

Ms. Hughes said when she and other campaign staff entered the office, Clinton held out an orange bag from last year’s Halloween costume shopping she did with her daughter Chelsea. Mrs. Clinton then handed the bag to an aide, and told them to get into one of the campaign cars and have the driver find a windy hill to speed up. When the aide felt sick enough, they were to vomit as much vomit into the bag as they possibly could.

Several hours later, the aide returned the orange plastic bag filled to its brim with puke. Staffers sealed the bag using zip ties. That’s when Hughes says that Clinton produced a small BlueTooth speaker she said she had asked another aide to sync up with an iPhone. On her command, the aide pressed “play” on their phone and racist propaganda started bellowing from the speaker.

“We feel this orange bag of vomit that belches out racist propaganda from white nationalists is the best Trump analog possible,” Hughes said, “and in order to make the analog’s rhetoric as accurate as possible, we just read Donald Trump and his surrogates’ tweets and retweets into a microphone. We found they contained all the overt and subtle racism we needed for our analog’s script.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This