Hillary Clinton Counting on Sanders Supporters to ‘Rally Around’ Her ‘Inevitability’

HORIZON, NEW HAMPSHIRE — The 2016 Democratic primary race is heating up. This week, one poll in New Hampshire found Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) taking a commanding 30 point lead over presumed front runner Hillary Rodham Clinton. That poll, sources close to Clinton say, has forced her to get out in front of voters a bit more, and remind them that she is “supposed to and will be the nominee,” one aide told us.

“Madam Secretary Clinton is counting on people who support Senator Senators to come to their senses,” one source speaking on the condition of anonymity and Whole Foods gift cards told us, “and rally around Ms. Clinton’s inevitability.” That same campaign staffer said that Clinton has been “programmed to express real empathy with Sanders supporters who want a political revolution” and that she is “uniquely designed to make Democratic voters feel like she’ll do exactly what Sanders says he’ll do, but in a more Clinton-esque way.”

Another Clinton staffer told reporters this week that the New Hampshire polls have the former First Lady spooked because “it seems like voters aren’t getting the subtle messaging that the Democratic National Committee is sending.”

“Do they think the DNC is scheduling debates on a Sunday afternoon to spotlight the differences between Sanders and Clinton which could result in some folks deciding Bernie better suits their wishes for how they want government to run,” Phillip Rosenfeld, a top strategist in Clinton’s New Hampshire operation asked reporters rhetorically. “Of course they aren’t,” he answered himself, “they’re doing it so that Democratic voters just accept that Secretary Clinton will be the foregone, pre-ordained nominee and eventual candidate.”

Susan Meyers, Deputy Assistant Director of Social Media for Clinton’s Granite State effort tells reporters that her boss’s policy goals are a “tremendously accurate replication of Senator Sanders” and that because of this fact “Sanders supporters should just accept fate and let Ms. Clinton do a fairly good job of giving lip service to maybe considering performing as president the way Bernie would.” Meyers said that Clinton is “supremely confident in her abilities to sound like she will be a champion of the middle class and won’t instead capitulate to the Wall Street financiers who are bankrolling her campaign” so “Bernie fans should just stop supporting the authentic candidate with a proven track record of advocacy in favor of the politician who will at the very least still be better than Donald Trump.”

“Of course you could have a Coke, but why not try a nice, delicious Acme Brand Cola Drink instead,” one staffer asked, comparing Clinton as a generic soda to the name brand of middle class fighter in Sanders. “You could have yourself a genuine Rolex or get yourself a pretty decent knock-off that may not perform in the exact same way, but will still look and feel like a Rolex when you want to feel like you own a Rolex and not a watch you bought because you knew needed one, and were being told it was the only watch you should realistically consider buying.”

Ultimately, Meyers said, “Secretary Clinton is a very fine choice for people who want the passion, fire, intensity and integrity of Bernie Sanders, without worrying so much about those pesky things like ‘consistency’ or ‘authenticity.'”

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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