KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Larry “God” Schumway and his son, Jesus Hubert Christ held a holy press conference today from the corporate headquarters of their afterlife timeshare program, telling reporters that all of Trinity, Inc.’s prayer hotlines are completely flooded, and most of the calls are about one subject in particular.
“Apparently there were a lot of humans down on Earth who were very disappointed to find out which president died this weekend,” Schumway announced, “and they have been jamming our prayer lines with requests for us to swap Bush with the guy currently in office.”
Late Friday night representatives from his family said that the 41st President of the United States — George Herbert Walker Bush — had died, just months after his beloved wife Barbara. Mr. Bush was 94 years old. Unlike the late Sen. John McCain, former President Bush arranged for the current occupant of the White House to attend his funeral. McCain had made specific plans not to include the 45th president.
Christ addressed some concerns of humanoid earthlings at the press conference as well. Specifically, Christ spoke to what he called a “sense of real urgency” he feels from a lot of people on the planet, desperate to get the man who is currently in office out, even if it means he has to die while president.
“Hey, I get it, cheeseburgers, KFC, and Diet Coke work very slowly, so I can totally understand their impatience at the situation,” Christ chimed in. “But, don’t forget that you’d be stuck with Mike Pence so be careful which poison you pick, if you catch my meaning. Patience is still a virtue, Fam.”
While God said that corporate bylaws and timeshare policies specifically prohibit his company from simply swapping Bush for the man who is president now, he said that concerned humans can take some solace in what awaits the man who needed Russia’s help and a stroke of pure luck in the form of 100,000 votes spread out over three or four swing states, once he does reach the afterlife.
“The orange one might think he’s got one of our best, bigliest timeshares awaiting his arrival, but I can assure you that just like on Earth, the only places that have his name splashed on them are quite hellish,” God said. “You might just say it’s Hell itself.”
“My therapist tells me to quit trying to be so subtle and mysterious these days, so you know, it’s Hell,” Schumway admitted. “He’s going to Hell. Donald Trump is going to Hell. I mean, you know, if Hell were a real thing and not an invention of mankind. Shit. Did I let that one out of the bag? Next thing you know, I’ll break the fourth wall and ruin the premise of this satirical news story…I have to go now.”