BREWSTER BAY, NORTH CAROLINA — As Philip Ryan, a 43 year old self-described “right-winger and proud conservative,” awoke from his recent lobotomy, he knew something was wrong.
“For the most part,” Ryan told us, “I felt pretty normal actually. Missing half your brain is a scary thought, but for the first couple of days I couldn’t really tell a difference.” Mr. Ryan said that whether it was doing his taxes, shopping, or making pudding pops, he was more than capable of performing small tasks, even with a substantial part of his brain no longer in his skull. However, when he turned on Fox News like he usually does at night, he knew that his brain surgery had gone horribly wrong.
Ryan told us that the “whole entire reason” he had the lobotomy was so that he cold be a “good little Republican and fall in line behind Donald Trump” as the Republican Party’s presidential nominee. Ryan told us that prior to his lobotomy he had not been sufficiently happy with any of the Republican candidates, but that once he “saw the writing on the wall” that Trump would likely end up the nominee, he decided to try his best to toe the party line.
“So I talked to my doctor and I took several fourth grade civics class tests, as well as a middle school test on the Constitution — since that’s the depth of understanding most conservatives have of it — and we determined I was just too damn educated to vote for Trump without drastic measures,” Ryan said. So he and his doctor decided to try a Hail Mary of sorts, and they scheduled Philip to have a lobotomy consultation.
The neurosurgeon at first flatly refused to even consider the idea of giving a perfectly healthy brain a lobotomy. But Mr. Ryan said once he threatened to sue the doctors for abridging his First Amendment right to “vote for any moron” he chose to, the tone in the room changed. The neurosurgeon agreed, but with the caveat that he could not predict how greatly Ryan’s life would change.
“As I was sitting there, listening to a Trump speech,” Mr. Ryan told our reporter, “I was waiting for it to stop sounding like a bunch of fart noises and stupid rhetoric, but that moment never came. Even missing half my damn brain, I couldn’t bring myself to vote for Trump!”
At this point, Philip said he doesn’t know what his options are. He has a call into his neurosurgeon to determine if he can live with one-quarter or less of his brain, but he’s not optimistic.
“I really thought removing a substantial chunk of brain would help me vote for Trump with a clean conscience,” he told us as the interview was wrapping up, “but I guess you just have to be born dumb enough to vote for Trump; and there just isn’t a significant enough portion of your brain you can remove to make an otherwise sane person jump off that particular cliff of stupidity.”
After a few moments of thinking, Ryan then said, “So luckily for me, this lobotomy did make me just stupid enough to vote for Ted Cruz though, so win-win, I guess?”