Hawley Proposes Banning Kids from Social Media Until They’ve Dated Matt Gaetz

Sen. Josh Hawley (Q-MO), who is the current record holder in the 200-yard dash out of the capitol during an insurrection event, is unabashed about his desire to keep kids off social media platforms for as long as possible.

“I just think it’s really important that we keep our youth away from things that could put dangerous, hateful thoughts in their heads, which is why I want my kids only spending time in church,” Hawley told Sean Hannity last night. “I get that it’s a complicated issue, though Sean, and at the end of the day, what I’m really saying is that we should keep kids off social media at least until they’ve had a chance to date Matt Gaetz.”

Hawley insisted that forcing every teenager who wants a TikTok, Twitter, or Instagram account to date Rep. Gaetz (Q-FL) has “sound, solid, rock-ribbed conservative thinking” attached to it.

“For starters, Matt has shown himself to be someone who cares deeply about teens. He cares about them so much, you could say they’re all that’s usually on his mind, in his thoughts, and making his crotch tingle,” Hawley explained. “Secondly, Matt dates ’em young enough to where all we’re really asking kids to do is simply wait a little over a decade and a half, and then they can open their social media accounts. He gets to them young enough to where it’s not a big inconvenience, in my mind.”

Congressman Gaetz would later tweet that he thinks Hawley’s proposal is as “good an idea as setting your Venmo transactions to ‘private.'”

“Josh is a smart man, what can I say? After I take my girlfriend to her prom dress fitting this afternoon,” Gaetz tweeted, “I will have my staff draft an official letter endorsing his plan.”

@jamboschlarmbo #JoshHawley has thoughts on when kids should have #socialmedia #satire #mattgaetz #politics #political #politik ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

Follow James: PostTikTokTwitterInstagramFacebook

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This