Folks, I have decided to put a pause on writing fake news stories to address a very real scandal that is about to break in American politics. It’s a scandal that could rock one candidate’s hopes for winning the White House in next year’s presidential election. It speaks to this candidate’s authenticity and frankly eligibility to be president at all. I’m speaking of course about Donald Trump’s real hairline.
Has anyone seen Donald Trump’s real hairline? I have people that have been studying Trump’s hairline and they cannot believe what they’re finding. I would like to have Mr. Trump show his real hair line, and can I be honest with you, I hope he can. Because if he can’t, if he can’t, if he in fact has been trying to pass off a tribble prop from the original “Star Trek” as his actual hair, which is a real possibility, then he has pulled one of the great cons in the history of politics.
I was just informed, while writing that last paragraph, that Trump has finally released a satellite image of the top of his head, showing his alleged hairline. I want to look at it, but I hope it’s true, so that we can get on to much more important matters, so the press can stop asking him questions about just why he thinks that thing on his head even remotely passes for hair. He should have done it a long time ago. Why he didn’t do it when the late-night talk show comedians made fun of him for it? Why he didn’t do it when everyone else starting making fun of him for it, I don’t know. Now, we have to look at it, we have to see, is it real? Is it proper? What’s on it? But I hope it checks out beautifully. I am really proud, I am really honored
Until we have verified the veracity of the follicles on Trump’s head, I am afraid I cannot endorse his legitimacy. The Constitution clearly states that “no dunderheaded buffoon with a penchant for running businesses into the ground that also has a comically terrible faux-hair get up can possibly be remotely considered serious enough to be President.” So yes, while it is in fact great that pressure from outside sources has forced Mr. Trump’s hand, we must trust but verify the results.
Should Trump decide to come clean about his hairline, remove whatever poor, unfortunate animal that made its final resting place his bald pate from his skull and show us his real hairline, many would probably vote for him. After all, he’s dumb, brash, arrogant, stridently anti-populist, anti-academic and generally a pushy, loud-mouthed asshole. In other words — every Republican’s cream dream candidate. So he must in fact show us that hairline. Then, we can finally have the president we so richly deserve, can’t we?
Show us your real hairline Mr. Trump. Stop hiding behind lies, smoke, mirrors and a never ending cavalcade of useless, pointless pabulum that falls out of your mouth like revenue and profit margins fall in every company you’ve ever run.