Harry Reid Looks Forward to a Whole New Job Accomplishing Nothing and Not Being Very Well Liked

Harry Reid is leaving the senate, headed for greener, still ineffective pastures.

WASHINGTON, DC — Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV), the man who was Senate Majority Leader for much of President Barack Obama’s historical presidency, has decided not to run for re-election. Reid cited his recent traumatizing accident that left his right eye severely injured as a major factor in his decision to retire from America’s august body. The surprise move will certainly cause some turnover in the Democratic caucus in the Senate, and could have interesting implications in the balance of Democrats and Republicans if Reid’s home state of Nevada decides to replace him with a member of the GOP.

Reporters caught up with Reid as he was coming out of a meeting with top Congressional Democrats and asked him about his decision to leave the Senate after his current term expires. “You know,” the 75 year old politician told reporters at one point, “I’m really excited and looking forward to this new chapter in my life. I’ve given many years in service to this country, and now I’m looking forward to accomplishing nothing in my next job.”

Reid has seen the overall approval rating of the entirety of Congress drop into the low single digits, only to climb to around a 17% approval rating. Because of political gridlock, the congressional sessions that Reid has been a party to in recent years have ground to a near halt any legislative work that would normally be done. Bipartisanship has taken a clear backseat to political theatrics, and the American voters generally dislike Congress from both sides of the aisle. “It’s not just accomplishing almost nothing I look forward to,” Reid told reporters, “I also can’t wait to see if I can get maybe two out of every ten people to not think I’m a useless tool. It’s been a long time since I could say that.”

The assembled members of the media in the hallway asked Reid if he had any ideas what kind of job he’d be looking to take up. “Well, at 75 I’m not going to reinvent the wheel for myself,” said the Nevada Democrat. “So I’m thinking some kind of job where I can talk a lot about the job I’m going to do, and then not actually do that job and instead go collect more money elsewhere, maybe.” Reid told reporters he considered becoming a greeter at WalMart “but apparently, they expect you to actually greet people” and that he was “looking more for something where he could give the appearance of working while not actually working at all.”

Sen. Reid said he plans to go to a temp agency first thing in the morning the day after his final term is over, and apply for “any job that allows me talk a lot more than I do” and that “has a built-in side revenue of people making appointments and handing you money.” Reid said he was overall very proud of his record of thirty years in the Senate and that “not everyone can point to long, illustrious career of mainly giving lip service to fixing problems while mostly not” but that “it’s time to take my unique skill for talking a big game and hardly ever delivering” somewhere else.

“You know, I have all kinds of ideas as to where I’ll go next,” Reid said as he was wrapping up the impromptu press conference. “I have so many options in front of me. I can do anything I want now. I can take my life in a whole new direction in its twilight phase. I can go volunteer to help disabled children, or I can be a tireless advocate for the homeless.” Reid stopped and pondered for a moment. “Or I could just be a lobbyist,” he said.

Then, as he was walking away and just before he gout out of earshot, “Yeah. I’m just going to be a lobbyist.”

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