Sean Hannity Embarks on 16 City Tour of America With Seth Rich’s Corpse

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The name Seth Rich has become a household one, at least among certain fringes of the right-wing that are given to believing conspiracy theories.

Rich was a Democratic staffer that was found murdered in 2016, and a new pet conspiracy theory, peddled by right-wing media figures from Mike Cernovich to Sean Hannity, says that Rich murdered because he was the real connection between the DNC and Wikileaks. Though the Seth’s family have sent a cease and desist letter to a Fox News contributor to try and stop the further spreading of the conspiracy theory, Hannity has gone a tear lately, using his social and traditional media presence to keep the conspiracy on the tips of as many tongues as possible.

On his radio show this morning, Hannity announced that he’d be taking the body of Seth Rich on a sixteen city tour of the country, calling it “The Seth Rich Sideshow for Justice, Truth and Big, Fat Profits.”

“I’ve always steered my career with one thing in mind — never let a good personal family tragedy go to waste,” Hannity said, “which is why I’ve enjoyed calling Ms. Clinton ‘Killary Clintstoned’ my entire adult life. Nothing makes my patriotic heart beat more than using the deaths of other Americans to defame my political adversaries. Especially when there’s cash money involved, guys.”

The tour will consist mainly of Hannity standing at the front of a room, shouting about various things he “knows deep down” that the Clintons and Obamas are “guilty as hell about.” Then, people in attendance will get to partake in a game of “Political Football” with Rich’s corpse.

“We’ll just toss it back and forth like a football,” Hannity said, “because that’s what you do to honor the dead. You go against their loved one’s wishes and you gin up fact-free accusations against Democrats with them.”

Hannity said that he was also considering adding a few more “special guests” to the lineup.

“If we can get a hold of any of the loved ones of the Benghazi victims,” Hannity said, “they’ll be added, for sure. I’m not sure if my audience is tired of using them as props, but I know I’m sure not. I could use them as cheap political theater for, God, at least the rest of my life.”

Mr. Hannity told his radio audience that there is “no publicity stunt too craven” for him to pull. As long as, he reasoned, it could potentially harm the Democratic Party, or anyone affiliated with it. American patriotism, he said, depends on such things.

“If George Lincoln didn’t chop down Dwight D. Roosevelt’s cherry tree so that I could do this with my life,” Hannity said, “then we don’t live in America anymore.”

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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