At a local bar in downtown New York, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, and Laura Ingraham were recently spied having a rather spirited debate. Witnesses say the three conservative pundits were locked in an intense argument over which of them would have the least journalistic credibility once Donald J. Trump loses the General Election in November. Over the course of about an hour, the three were seen throwing back beverages, wagging fingers in each other’s faces, and generally rather unnerved at each other, though those at the bar this night say by the end of the argument, the three were friendly enough to share 45-degree angle high-fives with each other.
“All I’m saying is that I’ve worked as a Fox News host for over a decade and a half,” Hannity said, a beer bottle in his hand, “so I already start with zero credibility. All my shilling for and advising Trump might actually put my credibility into the negatives!”
Coulter clucked at Hannity.
“Sean, that might be true,” Coulter said, “but none of us have any credibility outside our conservative media bubble. So that’s a non-starter.”
Coulter insisted that she’d be the one with the least amount of integrity left after Trump lost because she has decried Democrats so loudly in all of her books, even writing one called “If Democrats Had Any Brains, They’d Be Republicans.” Coulter said that since Trump has espoused some views that align him more with the left, and since he has given money to Democratic campaigns and even complimented Democratic Party nominee Hillary Clinton in 2008, that she’d look like a “gigantic, blond, spindly douche canoe” for selling those principles out and supporting Trump, only to have him lose.
Laura Ingraham set her drink down at this point and addressed both Coulter and Hannity.
“I’m sorry guys, but I’m the one who’s going to have the least credibility,” Ingraham said, “because I’m not even as famous or well-known as you guys. In fact, I’m pretty much B-Team Coulter. I’m the one networks go to when they want a shrill, feckless, platitude soaked batch of verbal diarrhea and racism, but Ann’s too busy sucking a Nazi dick somewhere or something. So when Trump loses, I’ll be the wannabe loser on the outside that tried to claw my way up the ladder by hitching myself to the coattails of a protofascist bag of potatoes in an unconvincing hair piece.”
All three conceded that it was getting harder and harder to convince Republican voters that Trump had a chance. They bemoaned the fact that even trying to suggest the polling is skewed — like they did in 2012 — gets them mostly laughed at now. The current projections from Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight blog are so lopsidedly in Hillary Clinton’s favor that the three have been getting increasingly worried that the 20% of the population they sell their brand of right-wing conservatism too simply won’t be enough for Trump to win.
“Guys, I think I have a final solution to this argument,” Coulter said, with a barely detectable German accent creeping into her pronunciation.
Her two friends turned toward Ann, eyebrows lifted. It was obvious they were very interested in hearing this.
“Instead of admitting we were stupid for supporting Trump,” Coulter started, “and instead of conceding that we clearly are very out of touch with what mainstream Americans want in a president, we blame the media, Hillary Clinton, the Democrats, and President Obama.”
“Obama,” Hannity asked, a little confused.
“Why fix what ain’t broke,” Coulter winked.
Having decided to try something completely and totally new — blaming liberals for their own shortcomings — Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, and Laura Ingraham finished their drinks and stood up. They laughed and threw their hands together at a 45-degree angle. Just as their hands clapped, the sound of lightning could be heard, striking a puppy orphanage while Satan bellowed laughter from the depths of Hell.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.