WASHINGTON, D.C. — Fox News and right-wing talk radio host Sean Hannity flew into the nation’s capital last night so that he could spend “special, quality time” with the president, he told listeners this morning. In fact, as Hannity was broadcasting, that quality time was still underway.
“Now, lishhhen here, folks,” Hannity said while gently guiding the shrunken, shriveled meat tube that doctors claim is President Trump’s penis into and out of his mouth, “all thish talkkkkk of President Trumphhhh doing something wrongaksdfggg in terms of Comey and obbbbstruckshinnnnn of jwaustice?”
Hannity paused to fully remove Trump’s malformed phallus from his oral cavity.
“That’s just poppycock,” Hannity said emphatically.
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Mr. Hannity acknowledged that many people want the FBI to run as independent from the White House as possible. Using the bureau as your personal police and investigation unit is generally frowned upon and has been since Watergate. But Hannity says that there are very striking differences between Trump’s actions and Nixon’s.
“For starters,” Hannity said as he began to slip Trump’s ineffective and bumpy dong into his mouth again, “Nixon’s name wasssshhh Dick, and Trump is a dickkkksh guh-guh-guh-guh-guh.”
For the next thirteen or fourteen seconds, not much was heard that was intelligible to Hannity’s audience. There were just slurping noises, and what sounded like a deflated balloon full of whipped cream and covered in bologna ramming up against someone’s uvula. Hannity pivoted back to Comey after a few moments.
“You. Can. B-b-b-b-b-b-e totally independent from someone and swear loyalty to them,” Hannity said, again inserting Trump’s pointless penis into his mouth over and over again, “and I know from first hhhhhhaannndd exshperience.”
Hannity stopped slobbering all over Trump’s dinkus. The mood became a little more somber. Hannity could be heard sniffling, as if he were fighting back tears.
“Roger Ailes and I had that kind of relationship,” Hannity said, “I was always free to pursue the stories I wanted how I wanted to. I just had to keep sucking Roger’s dick. Small price to pay for a career, if you ask me…and any of the Russian Piss Whores this man right here has known in his –. What’s that?”
Trump was silently signaling Hannity to stop talking and start sucking.
“Folks, I gotta get back to this,” Hannity said, reaching for the orange, nebulous mound of flesh in Trump’s pants zone, “but don’t worry. Donny finishes quickly, so we’ll be done before this next commercial break is over. Be right back with Laura Ingraham, who will show us fun new ways to incorporate swastikas into your summer fascist fashion!”
You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.