Hannity Says He’s ‘Adjusting’ to Tweeting With One Hand on Phone, the Other on Trump’s Dick

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — You’d be hard pressed to find another person in the public eye more supportive and boisterously defensive of President Trump than Fox News and talk radio host Sean Hannity. When he’s not working on his upcoming press tour of the country with the corpse of Seth Rich, Hannity can frequently be seen on Twitter defending Trump, the president’s agenda, or any number of Trump’s administration.


On his radio show this morning, Hannity explained that even though he’s really good at multitasking, he’s still had a “steep learning curve” when it comes to tweeting supportive things about Trump, while also manipulating Trump’s “orange, wrinkly, but surprisingly virile dong.”

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“No one on the left knows how hard I work,” Hannity said, “no one on the left understands the dedication I have to blindly following Dear Donald. He is a great man! Sure, for all the time I thought he was a Democrat, I hated him! But now, oh now I see he is the greatest Republican president ever. Why? Because he beat Killary Clinton, that’s why. He could shoot a baby in the face, rape a cow, and then fuck my mother and slip out while she wants to cuddle, and I’d now that despite all that he was a warm, good, clean, God fearing, family values Republican!”

Hannity explained, however, that all his vociferous defenses of Trump on his shows, and all the tweeting he does to help Trump, has started to wear him out a little bit.

“It’s really hard,” Mr. Hannity explained, “you gotta keep your eye on more balls than a Russian piss whore. It’s taken some real effort to be able to simultaneously stroke Donald off while also defending him. But I’m doing. I’m adjusting. I’ve just got to keep one hand my phone, and the other on the president’s orange, wrinkly, but surprisingly virile dong.”

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During the Obama years, Hannity said, he got used to being able to attack Obama in the media and on Twitter, without having to also make Obama feel good about himself and his job performance. Trump, however, is a different man, Hannity explained. Trump “needs constant stroking, all the time, stroke, stroke, stroke,” the Fox News host said.

“And it’s just exhausting, I have to tell you,” Hannity said, “but I’m so glad I had the part of my brain that tells me if I’m being hypocritical, or lying, or willfully ignorant removed after Trump won. I have no idea what life would be like if I had to stroke Don’s dick, defend him on Twitter, and couldn’t just hide in a cloud of farts and right-wing talking points.”

The White House did not comment on this story.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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