Gun Nut: I Had No Idea Naval Bases Were Gun Free Zones!

BLACK POWDER LAKE, MINNESOTA — When news broke on his TV about the shooting incident at a San Diego naval hospital, Grant Hubbard was “very confused,” he tells us.

“I was under the impression thanks to the fine folks at the NRA that shootings only take place in gun free zones and other places where libtards have libtarded it up beyond all hope of repair,” Hubbard, a self-described “right-wing, free market, modern libertarian,” told us via phone interview. Hubbard runs several right-wing oriented Facebook pages and is a founding member “so when I found out the shooting in San Diego was at a navy facility, I was shocked to find out navy bases were gun free zones.”

Hubbard said that while technically the NMCSD doesn’t allow guns to be carried inside its Building 500, that like any other Naval facility, there are armed military police as well as other armed guards at the facility, so he is “baffled” by the fact that a shooting incident took place there. He said after doing some research he found out this wasn’t the first shooting at the hospital, not even in the last five years, so that “must mean,” he said, that the Navy decided to stop patrolling its facilities with armed guards, and instead turned them into “libtard-enforced gun free zones.”

“Clearly the only place shootings take place are where criminals know guns aren’t allowed,” Hubbard said in a Facebook post, “although you could technically say that the overwhelming majority of multiple-victim shootings take place in private homes without gun restrictions, but that’s jut like a technicality. If we are to believe anything the NRA tells us, and we are actually supposed to believe it all according to the Constitution I believe, then we know that people only attack places without armed protection…like banks, you know, so of course the naval hospital has to be a gun free zone.”

Hubbard said that clearly “if there had been good guys with guns” in the naval hospital building, that contains a neonatal intensive care unit among other departments, that the shooting would never have happened. “Sure, there are guns literally everywhere now so the very idea of a gun free zone stopping someone from carrying out a horrific act of violence is silly as shit, but I’m a libertarian, if I don’t snidely ignore your facts in favor of my feelings while all the while claiming it’s you who only thinks emotionally, I’ll lose my libertarian card, and we individualists hate not being accepted by the collective like that!”

After a few more minutes telling us why the economy was due to crash because our money isn’t tied to the value of gold, Hubbard paused. Then, he asked us with confusion still in his voice, “It doesn’t have to be a place totally without guns for it to be a gun free zone, does it?”

No further details of the NMCSD shooting have been released.


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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