Gun Lobbyist Turned Away By Customer Service Because He Can’t Find Receipt For Congressman

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A lobbyist for the gun manufacturing industry was turned away last month by a representative from the House of Representative’s customer service department because he couldn’t find his receipt for the congressman he purchased back in 2014 and he’ll have to either take store credit or keep the congressman and buy another.

“This is is exceedingly frustrating, and I think the People’s House needs to change their businesses model,” Cash Agrafe told reporters at a press conference late this week. Agrafe works as one of the chief lobbyists for The American Bang Bang Advisory Council and he said that in May it was discovered that a Republican congressman from California was considering voting for a bill that would expand background checks to all gun purchases, which goes against the advice of the ABBAC and groups like The National Rifle Association.

Clearly, Agrafe said, this behavior showed the congressman was damaged and needed to be returned so that he could be refurbished. Agrafe told reporters the warranty on the congressman is good for another four months and he wants to get the situation resolved before then.

“When we purchase congressmen,” Agrafe said, “we expect them to run our programming consistently. When they start having glitches of conscience, it’s time to get them into the shop.”

But, Agrafe says that the House of Representatives has a strict “no receipt, no return” policy and now he’s “stuck with a defective puppet.”

“Imagine if Jim Henson had stuffed his hand up Kermit’s ass and instead of singing about being green,” Agrafe said, “he started blathering about how it makes no sense to not ensure that every transaction involving a deadly weapon is run with a background check to make sure you’re not selling a gun to a psychopath or terrorist. That’s where I’m at right now with this policy.”

Agrafe says he’s ultimately not that concerned about the “temporary setback” as he has a plan to take care of the situation.

“We’ll just purchase the services of a another couple dozen congress people,” Agrafe said, “and then this broken one won’t matter so much. Maybe I’ll find the receipt in time, maybe we’ll just help primary this bastard. Whatever. As long as the money and guns flow like water over a busted dam, who gives a shit? GOD BLESS AMERICA!” Then he did a huge line of coke off the barrel of an AR-15, grabbed his crotch, and disappeared in a cloud of smoke that smelled like rotten eggs and gunpowder.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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