SPRING RUN, CONNECTICUT — Corey Ryan is a self-espoused “Second Amendment activist and overall gun enthusiast” and he spends much of his time both on social media and around his small Connecticut town “educating people on what the Founders intended” with the right to bear arms.
“A lot of silly liberals think that the Second Amendment was intended to be a national defense policy of sorts, just because there’s like historical record of that,” Corey told our reporter, but he says that “true, red blooded, ammo-hoarding Americans know James Madison wanted to give people a way to overthrow their government if they didn’t like election results and even though there is language in the Constitution specifically against treason and insurrection, really deep down he wanted everyone armed to the teeth and elected officials to fear people who didn’t vote for them will murder them with guns.” He said he gives the same speech to everyone who will listen and that “at least 15 percent of them don’t tell [him] to shut up after 10 minutes.”
Corey told us that he finds guns so fascinating that he has a hard time not obsessing about them “not in an evil way” but rather “in a really sexual way.” That obsession recently cost him weeks of work and thousands of dollars in hospital bills. When our reporter spoke to Corey, he had just gotten home from Spring Run Community Hospital where he had been treated for a major groin injury. “I’m just really glad I didn’t shoot the damn thing off,” Mr. Ryan told us.
“I was in my garage, cleaning my Bushmaster AR-15, when I caught a smell of the gun oil and a glint of light bounced off the finish of the barrel,” Corey said, “and something just came over me. I tried to resist the urges I was feeling, but with every stroke of my well-oiled rag down the shaft of the barrel and around its tip, I just got more flushed, and these feelings of patriotism and intense eroticism took over me.”
“I had to fuck that gun,” Corey said, “and I had to fuck that gun right then and there.”
So, Corey turned off the lights in his garage, dropped his pants, and stuffed his penis down the barrel of the gun. “But I just kept slipping out of the hole, no matter how turgid I got,” Mr. Ryan told us, “I guess my schpepp just wasn’t big enough to fit snugly without help. So I wrapped the oily rag around it, and when back to town on the AR-15.” Corey said after “at least three solid, full pumps” he felt the urge to release build up and he was about to do just that, but on the penultimate pull-back for the final thrust, something went horribly awry.
“My dick got stuck,” Corey told us. “The rag had slipped and positioned itself in such a way on my schmingy-dingy-doo that I couldn’t get it back out of there, no matter how hard I tugged or pulled,” he said, adding, “and that’s when I put the gun barrel in my vice, twisted it closed, and pulled back with my hips as hard as I could.” Doctors say that’s when Corey separated and tore several blood vessels and tissues in his penis.
Corey’s mother found him unconscious from the pain on the floor of the garage. “I was really embarrassed she found me like that,” he said, “but thank God I live at home while I take my two econ classes that have really convinced me liberals don’t know the economy for jack. She saved my life, no doubt.” Corey was rushed to the hospital where the nurses and doctors worked around the cock, performing open penis surgery, and ultimately saving everything except the last quarter inch of it.
“Yeah, it sucks only having a quarter-inch long dong now,” Corey says, “but I’d do it all over again in a heart beat. Guns need love too, and thanks to Obama the gun grabber, they feel really unloved right now, except for the people who buy them in droves after mass shootings like Pavlov’s gun crazed dogs. I’ll always be there for guns, because they’re so weak and defenseless and need my help, and then, when they’re done being helped, I will fuck those guns.”
“Oh yes, I will fuck those guns,” Corey said as he hung up the phone, to go fuck a gun.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.