Nation Wakes Up On Groundhog Day, Reliving Same Nightmare From The Day Before

When Shannon Johnson woke up in her bed this morning, she says she felt renewed and refreshed, but only until she turned on the TV.

“They were playing the footage from them pulling the groundhog out this morning,” Shannon said, “and that’s when I noticed the ticker at the bottom of the screen. It said something about President Trump’s newest executive order, and I realized, oh shit, I’m reliving the same nightmare from yesterday.”

Shannon says that since January 20th, she has lived through the same “horrible, never-ending nightmare” and that she just can’t shake the feeling. She’s tried pills, marijuana, alcohol, and even going back to church to pray the Trump away. Nothing, she says, has worked.

“I just keep waking up morning after morning and he’s still president,” Shannon said, “just like the day before. I keep thinking I’ll wake up and things will go back to how they were before this all started. But it’s like I’ve got some kind of curse on me that makes me relive the same horrific day over and over and over again.”

Ms. Johnson told our reporter that she was hoping Trump would come out of the White House, see his shadow, and things would change as soon as possible.

“I thought maybe he’d come out, see his shadow, and go crawl back up inside his own asshole where he belongs,” Shannon said, “but, nope. Instead, here he is. Still president. Still fucking shit up. Still getting people killed and making threats to pull funding from colleges and trolling movie stars at prayer breakfasts. We’re all fucked, aren’t we?”

Our reporter didn’t have the heart to tell Shannon that yes, indeed, we are all pretty much good and fucked. But, Shannon said she was able to at least find “one, small, silver lining” in all of this.

“I mean, we’re all still mortal, right,” Shannon asked rhetorically, “because at least we’re all gonna die one day so all the pain and suffering he’s going to cause by upending world order will be temporary. From a cosmic perspective, this is all just very brief. So…you know…whatever, I guess.”

All over the country, people emailed, called, faxed, and sent testimony to us via Pony Express, describing very similar feelings this morning when they woke up. Phillip McMartin of Riverside, California said he is “depressed and despondent” that extraterrestrial aliens haven’t taken over the planet yet. Henry Willmont of Hastings, Minnesota said he’d “prefer a hot lava enema to one more day of the Trump era.”

Barring impeachment and removal, resignation, or death, Donald Trump will be president for three years and 353 more days.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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