“Let Me Explain Why Rapists Might Be Entitled to $10,000” by Gov. Greg Abbott

The following editorial was written by Gov. Greg Abbott (Taliban-TX), concerning his state’s new 6-week abortion ban. Included in the law is a provision that allows private citizens to report people they believe aided or abetted an abortion, and could receive up to $10,000 in rewards for their efforts. Legal scholars and women’s rights advocates note that unless addressed, the law provides a loophole that would let a rapist sue their victim for aborting a pregnancy that resulted from the rape.

The views and opinions expressed below are those of Gov. Abbott (and other similar religious nut bars), and not necessarily those of this outlet, its ownership, or management.

“Let Me Explain Why Rapists Might Be Entitled to $10,000” by Gov. Greg Abbott

While the mainstream/communist/socialist/Antifa/anti-MAGA/anti-theocracy media and various other loud voices on the far, extreme left are whining, moaning, and crying about Texas’ new six-week abortion ban, let me do my level best to interject some calm, rational pabulum, platitudes, and bullshit to the discussion.

For starters, yes, this law is the most draconian abortion law written to date. Yes, it codifies a line of demarcation wherein most women aren’t even aware that they are pregnant yet. It protects unborn human life while ironically our state lawmakers pass gun laws that make it much easier to end human life wherever, and whenever, any good, clean, white, ammo hoarding Christian American patriot deems necessary.

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All of that is true, and I’m still proud of this bill. Because nothing says “small government” like shrinking it small enough to fit inside every single Texan woman’s uterus. But, there’s one part of the law that has people really up in arms, that I think we should address much more specifically, and that’s the element that allows a private citizen to snitch on someone who aids or abets an abortion after six week, with a financial incentive of up to $10,000 as a reward for such a tattler.

The harping about this clause has led some to point out that, technically, a man could rape his daughter, impregnate her, and then sue her for $10,000 if she tries to get an abortion after six weeks, when she finally learns why she’s missed her last period. I could write all kinds of lies, or obfuscations about this clause, but why? We all know God and Jesus literally gave their seal of approval to this law, and much more importantly, sometimes a rapist deserves a $10,000 cash reward.

In order to understand why we Christofascist Americans believe we are morally correct for forcing a woman into a life of abject sex slavery at the risk of impoverishment or imprisonment, one must first learn to see pregnancy not as a biological fact of life, with many scientific and medical factors that make each one a danger to the life of the pregnant woman, and instead view them as magical baby making events, where the spirit of Christ enters your peenween and helps you shoot magical goo up inside a fantastical cave of procreation.

Maybe all that sounds like one, big run-on sentence of absolute horse shit. But well, suck it, America. We want to treat women like objects, and are very mad that for the last fifty years our narrow, childish view of the act of human reproduction has led to more women in the workforce, living the lives they want to live. So we decided to take away a fundamental human right — the agency to decide when to take on the awesome responsibility of raising and caring for a child — away from women.

But, why should a man get money for raping a woman and getting her pregnant? Well, libtards, the key is in the word “man.” Men should get what they want, no matter what. It’s in the Bible, you know the document the Founders really wanted us to use instead of the Constitution, but couldn’t find it on that day because everyone was too busy reading all the Bibles in the country, and they just assumed every American would be forced, in some way, to adhere to Christian principles? It’s all true. Look it up on Alex Jones’ website!

Anyway, the point about the bounties is this: fuck you, libs. We want this. We get this. We’ll do whatever we want, because the cruelty and misogyny is the entire point. But please, don’t let this stop you from going high and staying above it all, because at some point we arch conservative fascists will totally start respecting you if you do. I mean, it’ll be after we roll back every inch of progress of the last two hundred or so years, but hey, slavery wasn’t so bad, and do women even need to vote if they can’t even control their own pussies?

Checkmate, libtards.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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