Greene ‘Devastated’ She Wasn’t Picked for Olympic Equestrian Team

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Freshman congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) makes no secret of her passion for working out. As a former gym owner, Greene often posts videos to her social media that show her workout routine.

As large a part as Greene’s athleticism plays in her life, it was no surprise to those closest to her that she wanted to join the 2021 Summer Olympic team representing the United States. Sources tell us that Ms. Greene spent most of the time she wasn’t pretending to work or stalking Democrats in the halls of Congress training for events she felt she was a shoe-in to qualify for. Last week, Rep. Greene was informed, however, that despite submitting impressive race numbers, she would not be selected to the U.S. equestrian team.

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“The simple fact is that you don’t have to be a from the United States to be on a U.S. Olympic team,” one source close to the situation told us in a Skype interview, “but they don’t pick people who hate the United States so much they try to overthrow its elections. Besides, they couldn’t find anyone willing to saddle Marjorie up and ride her, so what choice did the committee have?”

Greene has told friends and associates she is “completely devastated” by the news.

“Marjorie told me she was so upset by the news that she couldn’t touch her hay for a couple of days, and she barely smoked any crack,” Rep. Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) told Fox News this morning. “Needless to say, when you train this hard for so long, when you put in hours at the race track and get your special shoes nailed in, you think you’re gonna represent your country in the Olympics. But that’s just cancel culture for you.”

Ann Coulter, herself a Triple Crown competitor and winner of the Silver Medal in the 1984 Dressage competition, helped train with Greene. Coulter blasted the decision to leave Greene off the team as “Marxism mixed with Satanism with a dash of sexism.”

“Would they let a man who looks like a horse run in the Olympics? How about if that man was a liberal,” Coulter tweeted out. “If Donald Trump were still president, he’d order the Olympics to take her. How fall we’ve fallen in such a short time.”

Greene lashed out at the Olympic committee on her social media accounts.

“Tell me how it makes any sense for one of the most notorious racists in the country not to be competing. This is socialism run amok,” Greene posted to Facebook. “Who better to be running races for America than an American RACIST? Hello?! RACE IS IN BOTH WORDS, PEOPLE!”

Rep. Greene has indicated she’ll add being snubbed by the Olympic team to the list of offenses she wants to impeach President Joe Biden for.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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