WASHINGTON, D.C. — At some point in the past, two turds escaped from a sewage treatment plant in the nation’s capital, and wound-up attending President Joe Biden’s first ever State of the Union address. At an early morning press conference, Kimberly Beuaxbimberlé — the treatment plant’s executive vice president, apologized to the American people for the incident.
“All of us were shocked and dismayed when we saw what a stinky, terrible mess the escaped turds made during Biden’s State of the Union address last night. It’s bad enough when turds get out of our high-tech facility, but when they stink-up and smear themselves all over a public event, it just brings so much shame to our organization,” Beuaxbimberlé said. “Apparently, we feel more shame over, embarrassment about, and responsibility to flush the two pieces of shit than their political party does. Which is, frankly, kind of sad and pathetic.”
According to Ms. Beuaxbimberlé, her team at the sewage treatment plant is still combing through security camera footage to determine how and when the turds escaped. She cannot say for certain how long the turds have been free, Beuaxbimberlé admitted, but she warned that the preliminary information seems to indicate the turds may have been out of the facility for quite some time.
“We have not been able to pinpoint the moment that the turds escaped, and we have some theories about who might have helped them get out,” Beuaxbimberlé indicated, “but the truth is that we’ve seen archival footage from 2020 and 2021 that seem to show us the turds were out and about all the way back then, and even ran for congress. Of course, piece of shit running for and winning congressional seats is not anything new, so we’re still working on verifying if the pieces of shit we saw in that old MAGA rally footage are the same pieces of shit we saw last night, and that escaped from our facility at some point.”
Beuaxbimberlé warns that though they may be “stupid, loose piles of literal shit,” the two escaped turds should not be approached or handled by untrained laypeople.
“Trust me, these two turds could be armed and extremely dangerous, so I would say it’s best to just call your local FBI office if you come upon either one. Chances are one or both are already on the terrorist watch list anyway.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.