Graham: GOP Will Not Treat Jackson Like a Drunken Rapist Like Dems Treated a Drunken Rapist

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, the Senate confirmation process for Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson, who would become the first African American female Supreme Court Justice should the full Senate approve her nomination. President Joe Biden, whose Vice President is the first female and female of color to serve in that capacity, nominated Jackson to replace retiring Justice Stephen Breyer.

In the Senate Judiciary Committee’s first confirmation hearing for Judge Jackson, several Republicans referenced the confirmation of Justice Bart O’Kavanaugh, who Americans might recall, really likes beer and “boofing.” Senate Republicans expressed the outrage they still feel, years later, over a white man being questioned about credible allegations that he, at the very least, attempted to rape someone as a college student, just before he was rushed into the lifetime appointment he insisted he was entitled to in the first place.

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One Republican made an assurance to Judge Brown that he would do everything in his power to keep the same thing happening to her that happened to O’Kavanaugh. Sen. Lindsey Graham (Q-SC) assured Jackson Republicans were “more respectful” of her than Democrats had been of O’Kavanaugh.

“Now, let me just say this to you right here and right now, Judge Brown. Despite the fact that your first name gives me some deep Barack vibes, which quite frankly, makes me really want to ask you for your longform birth certificate, I WILL REFRAIN, MADDAM! Because unlike Democrats, I don’t believe in baselessly smearing people. Just ask Hillary Clinton,” Graham insisted. “So you have my word, Judge Brown, I will not treat you like some drunken, lecherous rapist like they treated the last drunken, lecherous rapist WE nominated. AND YOU ARE WELCOME!”

After Graham was finished speaking, Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) rushed to the podium to give a ten minute monologue.

“I just think Americans need to ask themselves how many unqualified, mediocre white people weren’t even considered for this upcoming vacancy,” Cruz said solemnly at one point. “As a sub-mediocre white man, I am alarmed at Biden’s selection process. It’s a sad day in America when we have to wonder when, if ever, a white person will be in a position of power or influence in this country.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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