Gorsuch Says He’s ‘Honored and Humbled’ To Have The ‘Full Faith and Confidence’ of the Kremlin

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Newly confirmed Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch told reporters as he boarded a plan for his Colorado home today that he was really looking forward to getting to work in the country’s highest court. Gorsuch also said that he was happy to have the support of “two presidents,” which he said is a historical rarity.

“It’s not every Supreme Court Justice who gets the backing of not just one, but two sitting presidents,” Gorsuch told various outlets as he waited to board his plane, “but I guess I’m just a lucky guy that way. Not even Merrick would’ve had this distinction. He only had one president backing him, and that guy was black and a Democrat, so really that’s like zero presidents, or even negative one president, really, having your back.”

Gorsuch explained that in his view, not only did President Donald Trump select him, so did the people who selected Trump.

“So that means his voters, sure,” Gorsuch said, “but also the people who literally picked him to win over Hillary Clinton, so you know, Russia.”

Mr. Gorsuch went on to explain that he feels like he’s been given “more thumbs up to start this gig” than anyone else previously. A reporter asked him if he really thought Vladimir Putin himself, or the Russian government as a whole, actually had an opinion on his confirmation. Gorsuch nodded.

“Well they wouldn’t have picked Donald if they didn’t like who his Supreme Court options were,” Gorsuch said, referring to the fact that during last year’s presidential campaign Trump took the unprecedented step of publishing a list of candidates he was considering to replace the late Justice Antonin Scalia. “so I feel like this confirmation isn’t just from the U.S. Senate,” Gorsuch continued, “but also a vote of confidence from the Kremlin. I’m just honored and humbled, really, to get their full faith and confidence.”

Nobody from the Russian government answered our call for comment. However, after about twenty rings, the phone kicked over to the reception desk at Mar-A-Lago, where a woman said that they expected Trump in later this week, and that she’d pass our request to him. Justice Gorsuch was the 113th judge confirmed to the Supreme Court bench. He was also the only person confirmed without any threat of filibuster, as Republicans had to use their so-called “nuclear” option to dismantle the Democrats’ effort to block Gorsuch’s appointment.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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