GOP ‘Stoked’ Civil Debate Let Viewers See How Disgusting Their Ideas and Not Their Candidates Are

CORAL GABLES, FLORIDA — Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus told reporters after CNN and The Washington Post hosted his party’s latest debate told reporters he was “totes stoked” on how the debate went.

“The tone was so civil, so polite,” Priebus said with an ear-to-ear to grin,”that it really let people hone in on our ideas and how disgusting they are, instead of just focusing on how disgusting our candidates are.”

Mr. Priebus said he was particularly glad to hear frontrunner Donald J. Trump stop “slinging insults” and “talking about his schlong” long enough to deliver a “strong, consistent message about Muslims.”

“Namely, that he’s bigoted against them,” Priebus said with a self-satisfied tone in his voice, “and that’s just great. All the other debates had them hating on each other so much, viewers may have forgotten how much they hate a whole lot of other people.”

When Senator Marco Rubio of Florida proposed privatizing Medicare and raising the Social Security age without batting an eyelash, Priebus said he was “beaming with delight.” Mr. Priebus told reporters it was “just nice to hear Republicans saying stupid things about the government instead of just saying stupid things about each other.”

“Oh, it was quite nice up there tonight,” Senator Ted Cruz told reporters early Friday morning, “You know when we Republicans stop bashing each other, it really lets us bash other groups so much more effectively. It’s way easier to focus my hatred of the LGBT community into rhetoric in the debate when I’m not worried about having to call Donald or Rubio names.” Cruz did say that there was one thing that bothered him about the debate though. “I was really hungry this time around, and last time I managed to sneak a little snack, right in the middle of answering a question,” Cruz said while wiping something unidentified from his lip.

Priebus would later tell the media that while he wished he had candidates that would “actually inspire normal people to vote for them,” he was at least pleased to see his party get back into territory they were comfortable with.

“Donald’s come into this election and forced us to get really nasty with each other,” Priebus, “and instead of being nasty to poor people, women, minorities and the LGBTQ community, we’ve been focusing our energies in ripping each other. I bet a lot of people tuned into our debates and were confused by how little bashing of Muslims, Mexicans and gays that they heard before tonight. But on the stage this time we finally got to see what happens when Republicans stop focusing their hate on each other, and project their hate onto groups they don’t like. God bless America, and God bless the Republican the Party!”

The next Republican debate is scheduled for March 21st in Salt Lake City, Utah.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This