Man Not Sure if He’s Registering for Republican Party or Putin’s Draft

Jack Jonathan wanted to register for the GOP, but he wasn’t sure if he’d have to fight in Ukraine if he did.

Over the weekend, 52 year old out of work non-union carpenter Jack Johnathan wanted to register to vote, and he wanted to register as a Republican.

“I just think it’s important to keep taxes low on the people I pay more taxes then, and I’m really not cool with dialing one for English in this country, and I think it’s more better if we all talk English,” Jonathan told us during a telephone interview today. “So the Republican Party really speaks to me on those fronts, and that’s why I want to belong to it.”

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As he was heading out the door to go and register to vote at his local DMV office, however, something stopped Jack short.

“I was watching Fox News, and almost every Republican on there was attacking Joe Biden because of the whole Ukraine thing. Which at first really threw me off because Biden’s the American president, not the Russian one, and Putin is clearly the aggressor in Ukraine, and what he’s doing is illegal, from what I understand.”

Jonathan started to wonder if someone in charge in the Republican Party made a decision he wasn’t aware of.

“Like, did everyone just decide that Republican means Russian now? Am I pro-Russia, pro-Putin if I’m a Republican now? That seems really kind of weird because of how much shit Ronnie Regan used to talk about Russia and the KGB, which Putin worked for. I admit, I don’t get everything when it comes to politics, though, so I’m not sure if that’s how it works now.”

If the GOP is now more aligned with Putin than Biden, that gives Jack some cause for concern. As much as he wants to be a Republican, he’s not sure there won’t be drastic consequences for him if he registers as one.

“Will I be drafted into Putin’s army if I register with the GOP? It seems to me that being pro-free market shouldn’t get me signed-up to die in Ukraine, but I guess I’m just looking for what the ground rules are now, so I can make up my mind about registering as a Republican or not.”

Jack said he’ll make up his mind soon and get back to us when he decides what to do.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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