GOP Congressman Demands Investigation Into Link Between Roy Moore And Benghazi

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) held a press conference today, demanding that Congress investigate any possible connections between allegations of sexual misconduct against a fellow Republican and the September 11th, 2012 attack on U.S. consular building in Benghazi, Libya.

“All this talk about whether Judge Moore should step aside is jumping the gun, if you ask me, putting the apple cart before the horse,” Thompaulsen told reporters in the nation’s capital this morning. “Of course, if the allegations of several women over several years, corroborated by friends and the clear pattern of behavior shown by Moore in all the stories, which are fairly consistent, are true, then of course she should maybe probably if he wants to step down. But, and I ask this with all sincerity, what about Hillary?”

Thompaulsen’s outrage grew as he spoke.

“Seriously, why the hell does Hillary Clinton skate on this? What did she know about Moore’s alleged sexual predation,” Thompaulsen demanded, “and more importantly, what does Moore know about Benghazi that Hillary doesn’t want him to know? WAKE UP SHEEPLE.”

Rep. Thompaulsen believes that no expense should be spared in a congressional investigation into whether there is a link between Benghazi, Clinton, and Roy Moore’s sexual deviancy. Thompaulsen is convinced that “with enough digging” that Republicans “can find the truth we believe, facts notwithstanding.”

“We all know the one hundred percent true fact that Hillary Clinton has a secret but totally also out in the open and well-known murder list,” Thompaulsen said, “that includes people like Vince Foster, Seth Rich, that pink battery bunny, and Whitney Houston. So the question is, why didn’t she just murder Roy Moore, like she obviously always does to her political adversaries? That’s what I want Congress to find out, and we should spare not a single penny!”

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) said that he’s not sure himself of any connections between Clinton and Moore’s sexual misconduct, but he doesn’t see that as a reason not to grant Thompaulsen’s request for a full congressional inquiry.

“Do I think it sounds crazy? Of course. But I’ve got a good portion of my base that believes Hillary is running a secret pedophile ring from a pizzeria’s basement when the building doesn’t even have a basement,” Ryan said, “So you know, when in Rome, do as the conspiracy theorist, reality-detached mouth breathing Romans do.”

Ms. Clinton could not be reached for comment.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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