GOP Election Official Admits Rigging Election Against His Party’s Candidate Because ‘That Makes Fucking Sense’

PHOENIX, ARIZONA — An official on the Arizona election commission is about to make national headlines, and there is one alleged billionaire and Republican presidential nominee who will likely be very pleased when he finds out.

“Oh, yeah, for sure we rigged the election against our candidate,” Henry McWilliams told a reporter for The Arizona Republic this week, “because that makes fucking sense.”

McWilliams works closely with Arizona Secretary of State Michele Reagan on the state election board. He said that while many people in the press and on social media have mocked Donald Trump for saying that the election is rigged against him because that would mean that even in the states that Mitt Romney won in 2012 were rigging their elections, he confirmed there was truth to Trump’s claim all along. Mr. McWilliams, a Republican like Secretary of State Reagan, explained the Arizona election commission’s decision to rig the presidential election in their state against the candidate their own party nominated.

“Sure, you’d think that someone rigging an election against their own party is ludicrous to the point of banal absurdity,” McWilliams conceded, “but Secretary of State Reagan and the rest of we Republicans on the election commission decided that it would be really great for our party’s brand to lose yet another election. That would make it five out of the last eight presidential elections we’ve lost, and we just thought to ourselves, ‘Gee, why not completely screw over our own party?’ And that’s exactly what we decided to do.”

Though he says he understands why “average, moderately intelligent, somewhat literate, kinda educated Republicans” would think Trump’s claims were “outrageously and stupendously stupid,” but that ultimately the decision to rig the election against his own party was “completely in line with modern Republicanism.”

“We’re not talking about average Republicans anymore,” McWilliams said, “our party’s been taken over by anti-intellectual, frightened people who’d rather blame minorities for everything instead of the politicians lying to them about how much better their life could be if they didn’t have any governments in their lives. So yeah, it would be totally in line with current Republicanism to rig our election against our candidate, sure.”

Mr. McWilliams gave another reason for wanting to help rig the election against the very same Republican Party he’s been a member of since he first registered to vote as an 18-year-old more than 20 years ago.

“I just figured, hey,” McWilliams explained, “we’ve had a good long run. Why not help further erode and demolish the party I’ve belonged to for so long? I mean, sure, not only would it hurt the down ballot candidates we want to win so we don’t lose control of Congress to the Democrats, but it’d also put one more nail in our dying party’s coffin…but you know, YOLO!”

The Trump campaign could not be reached for comment.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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