Alphabet Announces New Porn-Only Web Browser Called “Google Cream”

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — For years now, millions of users have surfed websites using Google’s Chrome web browser. Today, Alphabet — Google’s parent company — announced that a new browser with what their spokesperson called “content classification-specific enhancements — will roll out worldwide over the next few weeks. Alphabet is hopeful that if enough people use the new browser, it might dramatically increase the speed of the rest of the Internet because of the relief the new browser will put on current browsers’ bandwidth.

“Simply put, Google Cream will be dedicated to porn,” Alphabet’s Carol Thompson told investors and the media this morning. “All porn, all the time. Only porn. Let me reiterate it — the only thing on Google Cream will be pornography.”

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The thinking behind Google Cream, Thompson explained, was to develop a browser that “fully acknowledges what at least 85% of all web-traffic relates to.” Google Cream, she said, is the “best, most up to date, modern way to pull your pud, flick your bean, or whatever it is you do while looking at pornography.”

“We started to wonder, how much faster would Facebook, Twitter, even Google searches be,” Thompson said, “if we made it so that every bit of traffic that was headed for porn used a totally different browser. It’s like when they designate streets as being one-way, and it clears up cross-traffic congestion. Except, in this case you’re also clearing up genital congestion.”

Google Cream will function properly on sites with any domain, however Thompson announced that Alphabet will also start a new corporate initiative to convince porn purveyors to move their sites to a completely new domain as well.

“As much as we think Google Cream could really revolutionize how people get their adult content,” Thompson announced, “We believe that once it’s coupled with the power of our fresh new .xxx domain, humanity as we know it might not ever be the same.”

Already, several porn companies have decided to sign-on with the Google Cream beta test.

“We’re already in phase two of our ‘Master-Beta’ trials. So far,” Thompson said, “we simply could not be happier with the results! Our QA analysts are reporting that they’re able to get a much higher pump-to-buffer ratio, and that Google Cream is so fast they’re able to watch on average sixteen more clips per sessions than using standard browsers.”

Reportedly, Google is also developing a first-of-its-kind “companion” browser. That browser will be used to browse content of a sub-genre of pornography dedicated to people who try to fit as many objects in their various orifices as possible.

“Google Cram will launch as a companion browser to Google Cream sometime next fall,” Thompson said. “After that, we’ll go onto to Google Crone, a browser just for old witches who want to use the Internet, and finally we’ll launch Google Crown, a browser just for various members of the world’s monarchies. It’s gonna be a big year for Google!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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