Restaurant Changes “Corral” To “Showers” To Commemorate Trump’s Inauguration

RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA — The restaurant chain known as Golden Corral plans to change its name slightly in honor of the 45th President of the United States, who will be sworn in at the end of this week.

“In honor of Donald J. Trump being sworn in as our 45th President of the United States of America,” Travis DuMont, the restaurant chain’s Deputy Chief Assistant Media Liaison told reporters, “Golden Corral will change its name to Golden Showers for one full year, starting January 20th, 2017, and lasting until the following year when Mr. Trump gives his second State of the Union speech.”

DuMont said that internal polling conducted by Golden Corral showed that their patrons share a “certain affinity” for Republican politicians in general, but that Trump polled extremely well with their clientele.

“So we decided why not capitalize on that and make our restaurants a little Trumpian,” DuMont explained, “just for a year, to mark this historic occasion.”

Golden Showers will also feature a few “key changes” in its menu, selection, and pricing for the next year.

“For starters, all our menus will be in both English and Russian,” DuMont announced, “and the soup of the day will always be borscht for the next year. Additionally, all salad dressings will be removed and replaced with a dressing Trump likes — made of mayo, ketchup, onion. Kind of like Thousand Island but with a slightly northern Asian vibe.”

The prices will remain the same on Golden Showers’ menu, but there are still upcoming changes in that area as well, Mr. DuMont said.

“We’ll keep the prices the same, but they’ll be listed in Rubles,” DuMont said, “just to really give the restaurant an even bigger Trump-esque look and feel to it. We’ll also be instituting a policy of no denigrating Mr. Trump or Vladimir Putin. Again, just to really make the customers feel like they’ve walked into Trump’s America.”

There is one other key change coming to the restaurant, and it too is in honor of the new president.

“Starting January 20th, 2017, Golden Showers — formerly Golden Corral — will stop paying its employees entirely,” DuMont said, adding, “we figured if Trump doesn’t have to pay the people who build his hotels, why should we have to pay our staff? We want to be winners like Trump, so we’re modeling ourselves after him.”

Reached for comment, Donald Trump said he is “bigly pleased” by the changes in the restaurant name and he’s “almost leaking with excitement” to try the new menu.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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