Poll: Majority of Americans Rooting for COVID-19

The office of Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Crackfiendastan) announced today that he has tested positive for the novel coronavirus, or COVID-19.

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Gohmert is one of the loudest and most outspoken “anti-maskers” in Congress. He’s frequently been photographed and caught on video not wearing a mask while also not maintaining proper social distancing from his colleagues. In fact, just yesterday, Gohmert was seen talking closely with Attorney General William Barr during and after a House Judiciary Committee hearing. Now, word is that Barr himself is getting tested for the virus.

During the hearing yesterday, Rep. Gohmert was one of a handful of Republicans who mocked Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NJ) when he admonished them to put their masks on when they were not speaking. The issue of whether or not to wear a mask or other facial covering has become a politicized one in America. In other countries, where mask mandates were not met with such stiff resistance, the virus has abated enough to where life has, in general, returned to somewhat normal.

Mr. Gohmert just released a new video addressing his diagnosis, and posted it to Twitter. Interestingly, he does sound like he is congested and fighting an infection of some kind.

Polling company We Poll You So Hard conducted what they’re calling a “blitz poll” this morning on the subject of Gohmert’s positive COVID-19 diagnosis. The results, according to WPH’s Dr. Benson Hornaydieux, are “breathtaking in their conclusivity.” According the poll, 80% of Americans are rooting for COVID, and against Gohmert.

“The results are pretty astonishing, that’s for sure,” Hornaydieux told us in a Skype interview today. “You can’t get Americans to agree that the sky is blue, or that grass is green these days. But eight out of every ten people we talked to said they hoped that COVID won. That’s the kind of consensus you just don’t see in this country these days.”

Mr. Gohmert, during an interview on conservative talk radio station W-KKK told host Chip Chatterly he’s “doing mostly well” but that he’s “convinced Obama put a Sharia COVID hoax hex” on him, and that’s how he got sick.

“All I know is that got the hoax, and that he does hexes. So hair-go, my asparagus has no aspersions, and it’s obvious he did this to me,” Gohmert shouted into the phone, “and if we don’t hurry up and impeach President Obama for giving me his Soros-backed hoax, I’m gonna, well, I’m gonna…spurt and sputter and slap the top of my bald head like Curly from the Three Stooges, and then I’ll figure out what to do next!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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