GoFundMe Established to ‘Pay Bristol Palin to STFU Forever and Ever’

An anonymous fundraiser has been started on the website GoFundMe.com, and it is causing quite a stir in Sarah Palin’s family. Called the “Pay Bristol Palin to Shut the Fuck Up Forever and Ever” drive, the organizers of the crowd-funding effort have chosen to remain unnamed, but in a video introduction to the fundraiser, a narrator is heard telling potential donors that they “all share a deeply held belief that Bristol Palin is the second stupidest person inflicted on the American people by Senator John McCain” and that each organizer “truly believes that only when Bristol Palin shuts the fuck up for all eternity will the world be as great a place as it can be.”

In a short description of the fundraiser, organizers say they have sat by quietly while “The Reigning Princess of Stupid vomits her unnecessary and unsolicited opinions about the world around her” but they finally reached a breaking point when she spoke out about the young student who was brutalized by Deputy Ben Fields at a high school in Virginia. The case has sparked yet another discussion of how police in the United States conduct themselves, particularly when interacting with young, and most often unarmed people of color. Palin said in her blog that the story made her “sick,” but not because she had witnessed a young person be physically assaulted and hurled across a classroom onto her stomach, but rather because she thinks the victim of the abuse must have done something to trigger it.

I can’t believe this, when are we going to look at what KIDS are doing wrong,” Palin demands on her blog, “Instead of instantly blaming police and higher authority?” Palin then implied the young woman who as assailed by Deputy Fields was in the wrong because her son “would leave a classroom if he was told to.” She then asked another rhetorical, “Do parents teach their kids now to question authority? That they must be the victim?” The daughter of a half-term Alaskan governor asked readers when “will parents take full responsibility for their kids, teach them not to act like punks, and listen to AUTHORITY – no matter what their race is.”

The organizers of the Pay Bristol Palin to Shut the Fuck Up Forever and Ever fund say in their intro that they “understand as a Republican that Bristol will likely only respond to shoving cash in her greedy pockets” and that is why the decided to “come together for the good of the entire species” to see “if we can give that flapping face of hers enough of a reason to stop flapping.” According to the fundraiser, “Bristol is an uninvited participant in the political discourse, and only has a platform because the only person on the plant dumber than she is was made a VP candidate seven years ago.”

“No one asked Bristol for her opinions on press-on nails, let alone important world events,” the organizers say on the fundraiser’s page, “and while it’s everyone’s right to say whatever it is they want to say, we really think it’d be best for everyone if Bristol piped it, permanently.” The organizers are quick to point out they are “not advocating government censorship or mob tactics against Bristol,” but rather they are “only trying to appeal to her Republican love of cash to secure an outcome the entire species can appreciate.”

Representatives for the Palin family could not be reached as they were out on their daily Chik-Fil-A run, but a statement was emailed to the press just before publication in which Sarah Palin, Bristol’s mother, said, “We’ll take whatever money someone will give us, you betcha, because if there’s one thing we love it’s our conservative principles, but if there’s one thing our conservative principles let us love more than our conservative principles, it’s money, by golly!”

You all need to check your sources. The original “article” claiming this is from The National Report, which is all fake news.

National Report used our story on their site. I just shared it to our Facebook page from their site, but it’s still a Chute original. And it’s also satire. But yeah.