KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — The CEO of Holy Trinity, Inc, the after-life’s highest earning Abrahamic after life provider, has issued a stern warning to Americans on Earth — Support the Obamacare replacement plan put forth by the Republican Party at the risk of your Christian eligibility.
“Frankly,” Larry “God” Schumway told reporters during an early morning heavenly press conference, “I find it highly suspect that anyone would read the Bible and claim to be a Christian while supporting any policy that adversely affects the poor and working class in favor of the rich. I mean, hello people? Did none of you get to the part about the camel through the eye of the needle and shit?”
God said with sarcasm dripping off his words that he was “absolutely shocked and horrified” to find out that the Republicans’ plan would leave so many people without healthcare.
“I mean, these are the people who think I care so much about abortion that I would be really pleased with them forcing rape victims to have rape babies,” God said, “and they literally do everything in their power to hurt poor people while helping rich people. That’s not Christian, and neither is intentionally doing something you know will take doctors from sick people. So you know what? Yeah, fuck me for wanting people to actually behave remotely Christian if they’re going to use the title, right?”
Jesus “Hubert” Christ echoed his father Larry’s sentiments.
“I just, for the life of me, cannot figure out how these so-called Christians could tell us they believe what I taught down there,” Christ said, “and then think in any way, shape, or form, leaving people without doctors is something I’d approve of. Did I ask lepers for a co-pay before I cured their leprosy? No. Did I ask poor people for collateral before I heard their problems? No, of course not. I would give them freely from what was mine, as I’d hope they’d do for me in my time of need.”
Christ said that “basic, core Christian tenets” are routinely ignored by American Christians, and it was time for he and his father to update their eligibility requirements.
“We’re not fascists,” Christ said, “we want humans to have their own free will. But if you’re not going to do the basic stuff — not judging others, treating the lowest the same as the highest, and loving everyone as they do Dad, then, I mean, why the fuck are they calling themselves Christian? Maybe Ameri-Christian is more appropriate. They’d all do well to listen to Pope Frank. Dude’s gotta clean up the kiddy diddling shit in his church, but at least, finally, there’s someone leading the Catholic church closer to what I taught instead of further away from it.”
Holy Trinity Inc. will release new Christianity eligibility guidelines by the end of the second quarter of 2017.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.