KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Larry “God” Schumway, President and CEO of Holy Trinity, Inc., sent a Venmo request to Joel Osteen this morning, seeking $600,000 from the famous televangelist. At a press conference this morning, Schumway told angelic reporters about the situation in more detail.
“I have this sneaking feeling Joel’s got that kind of money to burn, and it’s not like he’s using it to help the poor or being a good Christian in any way, shape, or form,” God explained.
Schumway was likely referencing a new report that a plumber doing repairs in Osteen’s Houston-based megachurch found thousands of bags stuffed with cash behind a loose toilet’s wall. The amount found is reportedly about $600,000. It’s unclear if the cash found by the plumber is related to a burglary reported by the church in which it was alleged that about the same amount had gone missing, perhaps stolen.
“It must be nice being so fucking rich you can have more than half a million bucks stashed behind a shitter and not miss a single meal or private jet lease payment. The way my math works, Joel’s got the spare scratch. But what do I know? I’m only omnipotent,” God chuckled to himself.
God divulged that he thinks Osteen is “ducking” his Venmo request, however.
“I got a reply back from that number that said, ‘New number, who dis?’ Granted, Joel acts like he doesn’t know who the fuck I am on the regular, so it actually wouldn’t shock me if he really didn’t know who I was, or if he didn’t have my number. Still, I get the sense he’s ducking me now,” God said.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.