KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Despite what Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) might think to the contrary, God doesn’t care about the religious preferences of The President of the United States of America, and he really wishes Cruz would “shut up with that shit.”
Larry “God” Schumway, CEO and founder of Holy Trinity Inc., the universe’s leading after life provider, told reporters at a Wednesday morning press conference that he “doesn’t give a fuck” about whether America’s president is “Hindu, Buddhist, Taoist, Christian, Mormon, Satan worshiping, agnostic, or atheist” because to him “the more important thing is that the person with that much power not be a total dick.” God was responding a question he got from a heavenly reporter asking him about statements Sen. Cruz made recently that atheists should not be president.
“The thing is,” God told reporters, “I totally get what Teddy’s doing. He’s gunning for those evangelical votes. So of course he’s going to say something insulting and downright unconstitutional. Why wouldn’t he? He knows his base won’t hold him accountable.” God said that to him, “anyone who ignores the actual text of the Constitution where it says no religious test should be applied to any presidential candidate” isn’t someone that should be taken seriously. “I mean, if he can’t get the most basic concepts of your American society down — like Freedom of Religion — does he really deserve to be president,” God asked rhetorically.
God reiterated to the heavenly press corps that he was “only interested in the overall character, composure, and compassion” within any presidential candidate. “Politics is for the political, not the deified,” God said, “and to me judging someone based on what deity they pray to is the height of closed-mindedness.” God wondered aloud, “Do you think Cruz would like it if I put the shoe on the other foot and insinuated that Christians don’t belong in the Oval Office,” adding, “it seems to [him] that a lot of terrible stuff has been done by a lot of world leaders who claimed to be Christians, but not a lot of openly atheist leaders to begin with, so who’s the bigger societal liability?”
God said during one moment of extreme ire, “I’d say assholes aren’t fit to be president but a look back at the last five Republican presidents says something completely and utterly different.” God also demanded that “people who sign up young men and women to die for profit stop calling themselves Christian in the first place.” While on that topic, God named a few more problems he sees with Cruz’s professing of Christian principles.
“Does someone who is a Christian support policies that help make rich people richer and poor people poorer,” God asked, continuing a barrage of hypothetical questions, “Does a Christian imply that poor people are innately lazier and worth less than a rich person? Does a Christian turn a blind eye to poverty in their country on the grounds that poor people have it worse in another country? Does a Christian force a rape victim to have that rapist’s child? Does a Christian sit in judgment of people for their decisions? Or does a Christian do none of those things, and instead they dedicate their lives to helping the lowest among them,” Christ asked emphatically.
“Basically,” God said as he ended the press conference, “until I see someone acting completely Christian all the time, they can pretty much shut up about how Christian someone else is, and they damn sure can shut up about people who aren’t Christian being somehow less good than they are by default. That’s plain stupid talk from plain stupid people. Period.”