KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — While many people in Alabama might be celebrating a stunning, historic upset victory by Democrat Doug Jones over Republican Judge Roy Moore in Alabama’s special election last night, Larry “God” Schumway’s day has been too busy to celebrate.
Schumway told Holy reporters at a heavenly press conference today that he’s pleased the “forces of non-pedophiles and non-racists” won in the Cotton State, and that Jones will take Jeff Sessions’ place in the Senate. However, he also said that in looking at the exit polling data, he created a “ton of new work” for himself and his staff. God announced that after careful consideration, 80% of Alabama Christians will lose their memberships in his exclusive after-life timeshare resort.
“I looked at the exit numbers and I couldn’t believe myself. 80% of people who called themselves evangelical Christians, my people allegedly, voted for a guy who preyed on teenage girls as a full-grown adult,” Schumway said, disbelief and consternation in his voice. “It’s morally reprehensible no matter what your religion, but this guy takes the hypocritical taco. He wrote a law barring transgender people from peeing or pooping in comfort in public restrooms, and he argued the law was needed because he wanted to protect kids from predators. I guess it takes a predator to know a predator.”
Mr. Schumway said that it’s “embarrassing and shameful” to his brand to have future guests at his resort be “so craven, cynical, and terrifyingly partisan” as to vote for a man with Moore’s past.
“These weren’t isolated incidents; he had a reputation. And it never blew up in his face because he never got put in the national spotlight before now.” God said. “Let me just say, we’re not elitists here. We’re not really some exclusive resort. Our membership fees are pretty reasonable. That means we have some pretty sketchy types rolling through, and I still wouldn’t want a single, solitary person like Moore in here, and if you’re voting for him just because he’s not a Democrat? You never read my orientation materials.”
God says that humanity is a “long way past Biblical times” and he’s not at all offended that dating 14 year old girls isn’t acceptable anymore.
“Look, let’s be real, okay? My holy spirit once made the regrettable decision of making a baby with a 14 year old girl, but that was a different time.” Schumway said. “It took years of therapy working it out with JC that I never meant to make him a product of statutory rape. So I hope it really hits home with everyone in Alabama that I’m not saying I’ve never gone there, I’m just saying our organization doesn’t go there anymore.”
Doug Jones will be the first Democrat to represent Alabama in the U.S. Senate for decades.