KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — In recent years, Larry “God” Schumway has taken a quieter role with Holy Trinity, Inc., the company he founded and is now the Chief Creation, Smiting, and Prayer Answering Officer of. God, as he’s known to his employees and the people of Earth, has preferred in recent years to let his right-hand man and only begotten son, Jesus Hubert Christ to take a more active and out front role with the media and the general public. In recent weeks, Mr. Of Nazareth has commented on a wide range of topics that are currently being debated in the American political scene. After two people were shot and killed on live television by a gunman with an alleged history of mental instability and erratic behavior, God told reporters at a press conference in the Kingdom of Heaven today that he wasn’t “given much of a choice” and “had to say something directly” himself, though Christ was at his side for the duration of the presser.
“I just wanted to take a brief moment to address some folks down on Earth — American gun nuts,” God opened the press conference in a quiet, subdued tone. “I’m not talking to people who own a couple guns for self-defense if they think they need it, or to hunt animals ethically and with respect for the lives they are taking. I’m talking about the special people down there who think the only way to be safe is to arm everyone. I’m talking about the doomsday prepping, ammo hoarding, red-and-white-blue bunting decorated, camouflage everything gun nuts. That’s who I want to address directly,” God told reporters.
According to God, he is “sick to death of watching Americans blast each other” and that “responsible adults would feel the need to at the very least do everything they can to keep people from having implements of death that shouldn’t have them.” Instead, God says, “American gun nuts have once again the blood of innocent people on their hands” because of the shooting of two WDBJ journalists, and he is “angry enough to start smiting” if “people don’t start acting like adults.”
“No one is coming for your guns, guys,” God said, adding, “there are so many me-damned guns down there it’d be a fool’s errand to forcibly try and remove them from people’s lives, and the smart gun control activists know this.” God told reports that in his view, “All [Americans] want is a reasonable assurance that as a society we’ll do the best to make sure whoever we’re selling or giving guns to are people we can trust to have guns,” and that while “it’s all well and good that these jackasses incorrectly assume that their precious Second Amendment is about their right to own whatever gun they want to prepare for the eventuality of their government going rogue — a government that will be duly elected by their fellow Americans” that “it’s time for you guys down there to wake up.”
God said in his estimation, there are “millions of people down there living in a fantasy version of the past.” He said that “It’s 2015, not 1787 anymore. If you think George Washington or even Thomas Jefferson would advocate a society where everyone is armed to the teeth for no good reason other than a conspiracy theory about a tyrannical government, you’re nuts, and I’ll bring them to the next press conference if you want to ask them yourselves.”
“These American gun nuts, and especially the blood mongers on the NRA executive board, have the blood of those two journalists on their hands,” God said, “you gun nuts are to blame for this.” God explained that “because every single time one of these happens you gun nuts shut down the conversation, put your fingers in your ears, and start threatening everyone with violent, bloody, and deadly temper tantrums if they dare to ask you to be more responsible with your toys, you move America further and further away from true peace and domestic tranquility.”
God was clearly angry at this point, and at random times during his speech, thunder could be heard, and lightning could be seen in the distance. “You have helped create and foster an environment where when 20 kids were sliced, diced and mutilated by a deranged gunman, and more than 80% of the country was demanding something simple like universal background checks, they didn’t get their background checks out of their government,” God said. He then said that “Because American gun nuts scared each other with lies about gun registries, and the feckless bastards in Congress balked, it was obvious to everyone paying attention that Sandy Hook was a tragedy on two levels — the shooting, of course, but the second tragedy was the fact that not a single fucking thing changed.”
“I get so angry at these guys because they refuse to listen to reason. They refuse to look at studies that show gun accidents will soon eclipse highway accidents, and they’re all too blind about their guns to realize that the whole reason that cars have become so much safer is because of laws and regulations,” God said, continuing, “Hell, my Ten Commandments are laws. They have no problem putting them on display in their court rooms, but all of a sudden a human writes laws and they become bad ideas. So it’s their lack of reasonableness that will continue to foster the kind of environment it takes to get to the point where mass shootings are commonplace.”
“To me though,” God said as he was ending the press conference, “the really disgusting aspect is that I hear these peoples’ prayers. They’re on their knees every night asking me to help them win the lottery, or for the Cowboys to win the Super Bowl. They’re not asking me to bring harmony and peace to the country. Why would they? Then there’s the really gross ones that pray for me to help the Republicans take their country back. Like I’m going to get involved in petty, trivial, human politics. I have more important things to do. Maybe I should stop answering their prayers altogether until they start acting like mature adults.”
Then, as he was floating away from the podium, he turned back and said, “Oh wait, even I don’t have that much time.”