KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Former Congresswoman and current Donald Trump adviser Michele Bachmann recently told the media she believes the alleged billionaire was “raised up” by God to be the Republican nominee. Upon hearing word of her comments, Larry “God” Schumway, CEO of Holy Trinity, Inc., called for a press conference. At the presser, Schumway denounced and mocked Bachmann’s comments.
“I don’t hate America, or the planet for that matter, enough to pick Donald Trump for president,” God said, “and I wouldn’t even pick him to pick my nose for me. He’s a rude, racist, sexist, dopey, entitled, spoiled, asshole.”
Schumway said that it was obvious to him that it had been “an epoch” since Bachmann read her Bible, particularly the New Testament.
“Michele is obviously not in touch with what I — or my son Jesus Hubert — are all about,” God said, “and it’s obviously been an epoch since she read her Bible. Trump is the kind of man Jesus Hubert would have absolutely bitch-slapped in his day. Remember that scene in the Bible where he overturns the money changer’s tables in the temple? Well, think of that bewigged bag of diarrhea as a money changer.”
God insisted he has “way too much respect for [his] creation” to intentionally let Trump near the White House. He said that while he believes in free will, and will not stand in the way if “Americans get a sudden case of the stupids and vote Trump into office,” he would never purposefully put humankind in such “needless danger.”
“The guy is a moron,” God said, “who genuinely doesn’t get why he can’t just nuke people when he’s pissed at them. He calls himself a successful businessman, but that’d be like me calling myself a successful flood prevention specialist.”
Though he denied he’d ever pick Trump to be the president, God did give reporters a short list of candidates he thought would be better than Trump. In his words, that way people would “get the message from me, and not some googly eyed fuckwit demagogue like Michele.”
“You want to know who I’d raise up, who I’d pick,” Schumway asked rhetorically, “I’d pick someone like Liz Warren or Bernie Sanders. They seem to really get what charity and compassion and grace are all about. Or if you don’t want a politician, maybe Neil deGrasse Tyson. It’d be cool to see you guys elect truly smart people, and Neil’s got such a great cosmic perspective, might be good for mankind. Then again, just don’t ask him how he feels about the latest hot sci-fi movie. Honestly you could throw a dart at a board full of average, normal citizens and they’d all be preferable to Trump.”
After a moment, God amended his list one more time.
“Actually, you could throw a dart at a board filled with pictures of different dumps people have taken,” God said, “and you’d be all but guaranteed to hit a target more qualified, smarter, and better smelling than Trump to be president. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a universe to oversee, or whatever it is I do up here all day.”
Representatives for Bachmann and Trump couldn’t be reached for comment.
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