KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Larry “God” Schumway does not agree with Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) when the 2016 Republican presidential candidate says that violent attacks like those carried out on September 11th, 2001 or in Paris, France a couple of weeks ago are part of “God’s plan.” In Iowa last week, Rubio told an audience that “God was where God always is – on the throne in Heaven” when the attacks on 9/11 and the Paris attack took place. God however, says that is patently untrue.
“For starters, Marco,” God told reporters he’d tell the Senator, “I don’t just sit on a throne all day. In fact, in 1956 I had the throne removed. Seemed a little too old fashioned, know what I mean, Marco? You’ve got to update for the times, son. Oh wait, you’re a Republican. I know better than to expect what it’s like to change something.” God said he was acting so snidely about Rubio’s comments because “people like Marco are always speaking” for him and he’s “sick to death of them getting almost everything” he stands for “fundamentally wrong.”
God told reporters he “detests” war and death on a grand scale ever since he caused the Great Flood.”I’m kinda out of the business of mass extermination since the Flood.” He asked rhetoricaly if Rubio “even remembered the Rainbow Promise [he] made.” Mr. The Lord said he understood the confusion about his official stance on mass murder “because the Old Testament is still in the Bible and that shit was dark” but that doesn’t change that his company, Holy Trinity, Inc., is now “officially out of the extinction business.”
“You know, the whole rainbow thing,” God asked rhetorically, “So maybe Marco could just leave me out of your sick fantasies, homey. Just because you want to drag the Earth into unending war in some misguided attempt to make everyone secure and stuff, but that’s all for the realm of humans, not me. I tried to straighten everyone out once and got a little mass murder-y, so I’d rather not go there again.”
At one point in the press conference Schumway said that he didn’t want Rubio getting any misconceptions about American Imperialism. “Look, the thing is,” God said, “my son was called the Prince of Peace for a reason. I know it’s really easy to think that religion is about death and killing when so many people who are religious seem to be fine with it as long as the death and killing are done to their satisfaction. But ultimately, this notion that you guys can bomb your way to peace is not only stupid, it’s completely unChristian, so I just don’t see why Marco has to go and drag my shit into this mess.”
“I mean, who do you think is ultimately responsible for all the clean up and figuring out which soul goes where,” God asked rhetorically. “I’ve got way bigger fish to fry then to sit there and plan an event that will leave hundreds, if not thousands of dead, because like I said it’s more work for me, and also — gross. What kind of asshole does Rubio think I am, that I’d plot 9/11 as part of some master plan for your species? Get over yourselves, humans, I’m not going to plot to wipe you all out anymore. Been there, done that, got a t-shirt.”
Representatives from Rubio’s campaign could not be reached for comment by the time of publication.