KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Having looked over American President Donald J. Trump’s first official budget proposal of his tenure in office, the CEO and Executive Vice-President of the universe’s number one Christian-based after life service are unimpressed, to say the least.
Perhaps a more accurate description of how Larry “God” Schumway and Jesus “Hubert” Christ feel about Trump’s budget would be to use Schumway’s own words.
“A steaming pile of un-Christian shit,” God said as he addressed heavenly press pool reporters, “from soup to nuts. He’s asking for billions more dollars for implements of war, and at the same time offsetting those increases by cutting programs that help the poor. So, yeah, fuck that un-Christian pile of fucking shit right in its misanthropic eye sockets.”
Christ, for his part, says that he can tell by looking at the kinds of programs that Trump wants to cut that the “Religious Right was hoodwinked like pathetic rubes.”
“Look, I didn’t write it, okay,” Jesus said, “but show me in the Bible where it says I’d be remotely close to being cool with taking away money so poor people can’t be warm in the winter. You cannot seriously argue that you want to force poor people to freeze during the winter and still call yourselves Christian.”
God accused the Trump administration of “trying to pull a fast one” on American’s Christians. He is worried, though, that after 30 or more years of entwining politics with their religious ideology, that they might be too “partisan blind” to see through his “obvious carnival barkerism.”
“The guy is a fucking fraud, and they knew that years ago,” God said, “when they made him the butt of every joke about losers who inherit millions from their parents and mostly trade off their hard work and your annoying, grating personality. I am kinda angry that so many Christians voted for him in the first fucking place. Dude says he grabs women’s vaginas whether they really want him to or not, and Joe Blow Christian was like, ‘Yeah, that speaks to my soul.’ Makes me want to call up Noah and start another floody, floody.”
Mr. Christ succinctly summed up his problems with the budget.
“More killing, more money worship,” Christ said, “and less healing, less taking care of the lowest among them. That’s not Christian. That’s the kind of shit I’d flip money changing tables over, know what I mean?”
Earlier this week, God announced that he’d be sitting down with Jesus to go over the eligibility requirements for Christianity, and that some changes may be forthcoming. Namely, God said there might be “way fewer Americans getting into heaven” if the prevailing anti-poor sentiments don’t change among the GOP faithful.
“Act like a Christian if you’re going use the label,” Christ said, “that’s all I’ve asked for. Don’t make an ironic joke out of my name. Too late for that. Oy vey.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.