KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — 2017 has been what can only be described as a horrific year for disgraced former Fox News host and conservative pundit Bill O’Reilly. Even though his beloved conservative movement secured the White House for the Republican Party for the first time in eight years, O’Reilly’s personal and professional lives have taken a drubbing. He started the year as Fox’s top host on its top rated show, but a stunning set of revelations into the amount of money and the number of times that Fox had to payoff or settle with women who accused O’Reilly of sexual abuse resulted in advertisers dropping off en masse, leading, ultimately, to his termination from Fox News
This week yet another shocking story dropped, reporting that the largest payout to an accuser was made just this January to the tune of $32 million. O’Reilly has been trying to go on the offensive to defend his reputation, and this week he even told his fans via a post on his website that he was “mad” at God for allowing this all to happen.
“You know, am I mad at God? Yeah, I’m mad at him,” O’Reilly said Monday in a post on his website. “I wish I had more protection. I wish this stuff didn’t happen. I can’t explain it to you. If I die tomorrow and I get an opportunity, I’ll say ‘why’d you guys work me over like that? Didn’t know my children were going to be punished? And they’re innocent.'” (USA Today)
After reading O’Reilly’s piece, Larry “God” Schumway, CEO of Holy Trinity Incorporated, held a press conference and issued an apology to the former Fox host.
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“I would like to take this opportunity to publicly apologize to Bill O’Reilly. He was completely right,” God told heavenly reporters. “I had no right to expose to the world what a lecherous douche waffle this guy is, and I apologize for any pain and suffering I caused the beta male snowflake.”
God said that he was “truly and utterly crushed” when he found out that a “sexually abusive fuck shoe like O’Reilly” was mad at him.
“Look, I admit it now,” God said, “showing humanity what scumbag sexual predator Bill O’Reilly is was completely unfair to Bill O’Reilly. I mean, sure, I thought that the women he serially abused, demeaned, stalked, harassed, and made to feel like just walking, talking pair of tits on top of a vagina were more entitled to sympathy and support. But okay, fine, yeah, I’m just absolutely wounded on behalf of Bill for this.”
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God admitted his own biases might have made him feel like it was okay to punish O’Reilly publicly like this.
“It’s true, I’m totally biased,” God explained, “I’m biased against people who try to use their money and power as a means to never be held accountable for their absolutely horrific behavior. I’m not a guy who thinks perverts like Bill belong behind bars, unless he committed a violent crime that we’re not aware of yet, but up until I heard the tears falling from his eyes, I had assumed that publicly humiliating and shaming a disgusting pig person was Totes Maglotes dope, brotes.”
Mr. O’Reilly could not be reached for comment.
This satire first appeared on Alternative Facts.