KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — At a press conference from Heaven earlier this week, Larry “God” Schumway, Founde and CEO of Holy Trinity, Inc., has fired former Arkansas Governor from the company God founded approximately an Infinity ago.
“I put up with a lot of crap from Huckabee over the years, from judgmental behavior to downright stupidity,” Schumway told reporters, “but once that dummy came out and said that he thinks people with pre-existing conditions have no right to health insurance, that was the straw that broke the ideologue’s back.” God later told reporters that “someone who missed the message so thoroughly” as Huckabee “has no right to call themselves my employee, period.”
God said that he sent his son Jesus de Maria de Cristo down to Earth “specifically to teach humans about caring for the poorest among them” and that “Huckabee isn’t just misunderstanding Jesus, he’s completely ignoring him.” Mr. God said that kind of insubordination “is reckless for the company, and it sends the absolute opposite message that our corporate mission statement clearly states.”
“I mean, how the Hell do you lose sight of Jesus’ message when your religion literally has his last name in it,” God asked with consternation dripping from his tongue. “I must have missed the part in the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus told everyone to first and foremost put the profit margins of people with more money than I have ahead of actual living, breathing humans, but apparently Mike Huckabee didn’t,” God said, “and that just does not and will never sit right with me.”
God said it was particularly disgusting to him that Huckabee said what he did because “[Huckabee] was just saying that stuff as campaign rhetoric.” God went on further to say that “only the most grossly cynical person can claim to be a man who follows what I stand for and then turn around and for only political reasons demagogue something that actually brings relief to the very poor.”
In a moment of unrestrained criticism, God said that he “briefly considered firing that huckster from humanity, not just Christianity” but that he “would have felt too sorry for any other species I transformed that miserable, selfish, money-worshiping Pharisee into” and ultimately decided on just removing the conservative, evangelical Christian from his company. “Would I want to insult pond scum by turning him into it? Would I want to say to the bottom feeding carp in Earth’s lakes, ‘Hey, I’m going to make this piece of shit human into one of you guys,’ of course I wouldn’t,” God said, “so unfortunately for the rest of humanity, you’re going to have to deal with Huckabee being among you until he dies. But the good news is that as much gravy and grits as he eats, it won’t be too, too much longer until that happens, and I’ve already confirmed with Lucifer that Huck’s accommodations are ready.”
“Here’s the advice I’d give Huck, if he ever wants to work for my company again,” God said as he was ending the press conference, prompted by a reporter who asked if there was anything Governor Huckabee could do to get back on his good side, “I’d read Proverbs. Specifically Chapter 14, verse 31. ‘He who oppresses the poor taunts his Maker, But he who is gracious to the needy honors Him.’ Guess what Huck? I’m the Maker, and you have taunted me for the last time. To quote your competitor — You’re fired.”