There is only one real, authentic, actual journalist left in the world. Luckily for humanity, Glenn Greenwald, Super Journalist, happens to have impeccable, flawless journalistic integrity, and if you don’t believe him, Glenn will give you all kinds of testimony from this guy named Glenn Greenwald to back his claims up.

However, being the World’s Most Humble and Accurate Journalist Ever does come with some challenges. For instance, Glenn recently told Sugar Daddy Magazine that he sometimes gets so wound up thinking about all the people practicing journalism incorrectly that he finds himself unable to fall asleep at night. Thankfully, being extremely intelligent means that Glenn was able to devise a simple trick in order to distract his brain and help himself catch the sleep he so richly deserves.

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“Oh my, yes, it can be quite a daunting task to be me. It’s so hard, really, to be literally the only journalist with any integrity,” Greenwald said during the interview. “So many sleepless nights that no amount of taking a thirty year younger dode to the chin can help. Luckily, in the last few weeks I’ve found a new way to help calm my mind so I can sleep. I just lay in bed, close my eyes, and count dead Ukrainians.”

Greenwald told the interviewer that he needed “awhile” to perfect his method. The main obstacle, he said, was he first had to admit that Russian President Vladimir Putin’s army was killing massive numbers of Ukrainians. In order to do that, he needed Putin’s permission first.

“It took me awhile to figure this method out, but only because I refused to even acknowledge that Ukrainians were dying in any large numbers,” Greenwald explained. “Still, even if I had admitted reality right away, I would have needed Uncle Vladdy’s permission to make any public comments about it, so I’m not sure many people on the Shit-Lib American Left would be very happy with me regardless.”