Trump: It’s ‘Bigly Common Practice’ For Billionaires To Borrow $130k From Attorneys To Pay Off Porn Stars To Keep Quiet About Affairs That Never Happened

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last night, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani dumped fuel on the raging controversy and scandal embroiling President Donald Trump over porn stars, hush money payments, and campaign finances.

Speaking on Sean Hannity’s Fox News show, Mr. Giuliani dropped a new, previously unreported bombshell on the country — the president repaid his former attorney, Michael Cohen, for the $130,000 payment made to Stormy Daniels. This news was quite remarkable because Trump had vigorously denied making or even acknowledging the payment.

“They funneled through a law firm and the president repaid it,” Mr. Giuliani told Sean Hannity, the Fox News host. After Mr. Hannity asked for clarification, Mr. Giuliani insisted: “That was money that was paid by his lawyer, the president reimbursed that over the period of several months.” (The Failing New York Times)

Predictably, since Mr. Giuliani introduced new facts to the timeline that directly contradict Trump’s previous explanations, the president took to Twitter to respond to the news. In a series of tweets that were notably much calmer in tone than usual early morning diatribes, Trump attempted to put out the fire Giuliani set last night.

Later in the morning, as he was stepping out of the White House to make his routine coffee, doughnut, KFC, nacho cheese bucket run, pool reporters caught up to Trump. The president told the reporters the “fake news press” was “too fixated” on the Stormy Daniels payout. One reporter asked Trump why he would have needed to take out any loans to repay $130,000 when he is reported to be a billionaire.

“You know, that’s a good question,” Trump admitted. “Let me make one thing very clear about this — I am filthy rich, and borrowing money from my attorney to pay off Stormy only proves I was trying to hide the money trail, not that I’m not as rich as I say I am! But it’s actually a very bigly common practice for attorneys to loan their billionaire clients a few paltry hundred thousand dollars to pay off porn stars they actually didn’t have an affair with.. Also: NO COLLUSION.”

Another reporter picked up on the previous line of questioning.

“Mr. President, even if it’s common practice for attorneys to loan their very rich clients relatively small amounts of money, doesn’t this now indicate you were lying,” the reporter asked.

Trump farted before answering. He blamed Sarah Huckabee Sanders for it, saying “you always blame it on the dog, fam.”

“To answer your question, SHUT UP. No, but really, it doesn’t mean I was lying, no,” Trump said. “I didn’t have the affair. David Dennison did.”


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Now the reporters were very confused. Sensing this, Trump explained himself.

“Let me explain this to you simply — I’m not guilty. There. That was easy,” Trump said. “It’s really bigly simple, guys. No matter what evidence comes out, I will never cop to any guilt.”

The reporters started to understand, and Trump farted one last time as he looked right into Huckabee’s eyes while doing so. A tiny tear made of the final bits of her soul and conscience she had left, fell from her eye.

This story is developing, and Trump is still farting.

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