Giuliani Vows to Sue Any Manhattan Bar That Won’t Serve Him

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani has been kicked out of the New York State Bar Association, and to say he is displeased would be an understatement. However, it’s unclear at this time if the former personal attorney for former one-term, twice permanently impeached President Donald Trump understands what exactly that means.

During a hastily thrown together press conference, held at the Empire State Building Landscaping and Gardening Company, Giuliani issued a direct threat and ultimatum, lambasting the decision to kick him out of the bar.

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“Are you kidding me right now? They’re gonna kick me out? I double-fist triple martinis for chrissakes,” Giuliani said. “Without my patronage, half the bars on the upper west side wouldn’t even be in existence. My tab is the reason the bar in Trump Tower is even profitable. So, no, I will not accept this decision, and I have a warning for all the bars in Manhattan.”

Giuliani reached down beneath the podium and pulled a bottle of vodka out. He opened the bottle and chugged for a few seconds. The force of this action caused a bevy of farts to escape him, but Mr. Giuliani didn’t acknowledge them, and kept on issuing his threat.

“I will personally sue each and every New York City bar that refuses to serve me,” Rudy said sternly. “In fact, if you try to have me removed from your establishment, I will break a bottle of beer at the neck and fuckin’ fight you! Nobody is taking my precious hooch away from me, do you hear me, New York? NOBODY IS KEEPING MY GODDAMN HOOCH FROM ME!”

That’s when he began to sweat profusely, and massive black streaks of hair dye began to run down Mr. Giuliani’s face.

“I am still an American! I have rights! I swear to God, if you don’t let me drink in your bars,” Giulaini raged, “I will fly to Ukraine and personally fabricate a hard drive with incriminating evidence on it about YOU and YOUR STAFF and deliver it to my old buddies at the FBI. Don’t test me. I will sue you, and then when our great forever President Trump is rightfully installed into office again, I will make you all fuckin’ pay, or my name isn’t Rudy 9/11 McGee Giuliani!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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