Tallahassee, Florida — Officials in Florida are confirming today that George Zimmerman — the non-deputized civil vigilante that was acquitted in the February 2012 killing of unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin — can get his final stamp punched on his “Fifth Shootout Free” card with the next shooting incident he’s involved in. Zimmerman could take advantage of a 2009 state program that allows any Floridian who has been in four or more shootouts to get their fifth shootout free, which entitles Zimmerman to a novelty hat, a t-shirt that says “I went to Florida and all I did was take out my rage with a firearm because I’m a wannabe cop,” and a six month supply of the state’s finest ammunition, as well as be held completely free from prosecution for the shooting incident in question.
“Our client clearly is gunning for that fifth free shooting incident,” John Barry, spokesman for the law firm that represents Zimmerman told the press this week. “He really wants that t-shirt and all that free ammo. It’s expensive getting into shooting incidents with people when you have to constantly reload your gun,” Barry further illuminated. Florida officials also confirmed that shortly after arriving at the hospital in Lake Mary, Florida — the location for Zimmerman’s most recent violent, gun oriented incident — a representative from the state secretary’s office arrived with a big rubber stamp, stamped Zimmerman’s card, and made him aware the next one was “on the house.”
State officials confirmed that even though Zimmerman was the target and not the shooter in this incident that he “still qualifies based on the fact that a gun was used in a confrontation between” Zimmerman and the other man. The same officials said the Fifth Shootout Free program is benefiting the state because it is “showing the other 49 states in the union what being Pro-Second Amendment is really all about” and that “it’s actually quite fun to live in a state where you just never know if you’re going to be hit by a stray bullet.”
Florida NRA Executive Director of Public Relations Jack Fehlzündung says that the National Rifle Association is “standing by, ready to assist” Zimmerman’s efforts to get his final free shoot-out stamp. “As we all know,” Fehlzündung told the press, “guns are the greatest thing to ever exist in the history of things. And we at the NRA support everyone’s right to own them — especially men like Mr. Zimmerman who know the importance of shooting first, and asking questions later.” Fehlzündung said that the NRA is also “very pleased” to know that the other man involved in the recent Zimmerman altercation had a gun because “any time a gun is used instead of words, America’s freedoms win” and “the best way to prove that guns are not far too ubiquitous and easily obtained by people we’d rather not have them is to have two hot-headed gun owners firing off rounds at each other in the street.”
Fehlzündung told reporters that he “absolutely” thinks Zimmerman is the “kinda guy” the NRA believes should have a gun. “I mean, he thinks with his gun,” Fehlzündung said, “he acts with his gun. His gun is like an extension of him. That’s the kind of rock solid, unemotional thinking and reacting the NRA just loves in a dupe — er I mean a revenue stream — er I mean a patriot,” Fehlzündung clarified.
Should Zimmerman successfully fill his stamp card, he would be issued another card, and will have to acquire the four shoot-out stamps again. An anonymous staffer of a Florida state legislator said that there are currently no restrictions on whether or not Zimmerman must get in a shootout with an entirely different person, or if he can continue old grudges and as long as they escalate to someone firing a gun, that incident will count as a shootout stamp. Fehlzündung told us that he’d like to “see Florida loosen up its Free Shootout program to a SOGO — Shoot One Get One — kinda deal” because “that way it’ll encourage more people to resolve their conflicts the way the founders intended — with guns, not words.”
“Words are for pussies,” Fehlzündung told the press. “Guns are for real patriots. Real freedom loving, trigger-happy American Patriots.”