George W. Bush Offers to Head Up Trump’s Hurricane Non-Response Team

CRAWFORD, TEXAS — Former President George W. Bush has reportedly sent a hand written letter, in Bush’s most favorite crayon color,  to current President Donald J. Trump, offering to help the new administration grapple with Hurricane Harvey. Or, more accurately put, not grapple with Harvey. Specifically, Bush offered to form and lead a “Hurricane Non-Response Team.” Trump is reportedly considering Bush’s offer “with bigly seriousness.”

“Mr. President Trump, I would like to offer my non-services to your administrayshun,” Bush’s letter reads, “Because I belief that I have a lot of non-skills that would be very valuable to you all in the coming days and weeks. Hurricane Harvey is going to cause a lot of problems, and as a Republican President, you’re going to want to ignore the living hell out of that hurricane, TRUST ME. ”

Bush tells Trump in his letter that he’s “just the man for the non-job” and he proposes creating a special task force.

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“Call it the Federal Hurricane Non-Response Team,” Bush writes, “and I’ll be the leader. I will not respond to that hurricane with such lackadaisical lack of urgency that you’ll wish the 22nd Amendment was repealed so I could be president again, after you.”

President Bush offered to give Trump pointers on “sending thoughts and prayers when actual resources would be much more useful.” Bush also offered to help Trump “appear to look sympathetic while mostly just thinking about that funny little animal trick you saw on YouTube the night before.” Bush repeatedly made the case that he is “uniquely qualified” for such a role.

“I’ve got experience at ignoring natural disasters like these, you know,” Bush wrote, adding for no particular reason, “Hehehehehe!”

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Bush’s letter is also very frank with Trump.

“Look, we both know your administration isn’t really known for handling things well, like mine was, so let me handle this one, will you,” Bush asks.

The Trump administration has yet to respond to Bush’s letter. However, several aides close to Trump say he’s seriously considering it. Those sources cite Trump’s “extremely busy and hectic tee time schedule” as a main reason why he’d be “more than willing” to let former President Bush have the reins for this task force.

“President Trump cherishes the input of all the former presidents,” one aide told us on the condition of anonymity and Chick-Fil-A gift cards, “As long as they’re, you know, of a paler complexion, shall we say? So of course if President Bush would like to help ensure President Trump makes his eight o’clock tee times despite this hurricane, I think he’d be very bigly interested in it.”

Hurricane Harvey is expected to make landfall in the coming hours. Much of Texas’ southern coast is already in a state of emergency in anticipation. This story is developing.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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