George W. Bush Offers to Give Heather Lind’s Buttocks ‘The Iraq War Treatment’ for His Dad

CRAWFORD, TEXAS — Former President George W. Bush sent a letter to his father this week, offering to “go back and finish the job once more” for his father. In the letter, the junior Bush proposes that he find actress Heather Lind and her “weapons of ass destruction,” and when he does, he will “give it the Iraq War treatment.”

“As we all know,” the son writes to the father, “the Iraq War was my attempt to finish Daddy’s business. Well, now it appears I once more must enter the breach and do my duty as your son. I love you too much, Father, to not finish what you have started.

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In an Instagram post that since been deleted, Heather Lind, an actress, accused the senior Bush of groping her during a photo opportunity. The 93-year-old former president issued a hasty apology after word of the accusation broke. Hearing of his father’s apology, George W. Bush wrote to his dad and pleaded for him to get permission to “carry out a son’s solemn duty to honor his father.”

“Please Daddy, I want to right this wrong for you. I want to finish once more something that you’ve left for me,” the younger Bush wrote his father, “and I want to show the world once more that we Bushes do not back down, and when we start something, we wait a decade and then drag the entire country into it to finish our family business.”

Former Vice-President Dick Cheney has reached out to Dubya and offered to help “in the usual ways.”

“If you want someone to go on TV and lie about how Ms. Lind has connections to Al Qaeda, George, you know I’m your man,” Cheney told reporters he said to the man who was once his boss, “and all I’d be looking for in return is the usual — hefty deposits into my checking account. Let me know if you need my help sending young men and women off to die for a chance to grab Heather Lind’s ass for your dad, George.”

Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice were last spotted headed into the U.N., where it is expected they will tell various heads of state that Ms. Lind poses a serious, clear, and present danger to the stability of the West. Some have speculated that unlike last time, France will be on board with this effort, as long as George W. Bush promises to let them grope young women on the French metro in solidarity. Reached for comment, President Trump said he offers the Bushes his “best wishes and bigly luck.”

“This is a mission I can really get behind,” Trump said, “and while I was back there, I’d prolly grab her by the pussy too, for good measure. I hope the Bushes know I’m here to help. I can maybe setup an interview on Access Hollywood if they want.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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