George Santos: “I Never Would Have Invented Locomotives if I Knew Biden Would Let Them Crash!”

Rep. George Santos (Q-NY) told reporters today that he has “many, many, many regrets” in his life, but one of his biggest is that he invented the locomotive engine.

“You gotta understand, though,” Santos said half-jokingly, “this was the early 90’s! Things were wild back then. We had presidents getting beejers in the White House, and the whole country was obsessed with Beanie Babies — another thing I personally invented. So it just seemed like the world was ready for my locomotive engine in 1992, and I rolled the dice on it.”

Seeing the devastation play out in East Palestine, Ohio has caused Santos to wonder, he said, if inventing the locomotive was a good idea or not, in the long run. Readers will recall that a train derailed near the small Ohio town a couple of weeks ago, poisoning the air and water with its contents. Santos recalls that as he was “putting the finishing touches” on his invention, he wondered if something like the derailment in East Palestine could happen.

“But, in the end, I suppose that I felt I could trust the American people, and more specifically Joe Biden, who I personally coached through his stutter issues considering I also invented stuttering, to not let the trains crash,” Santos admitted. “I just regret being that confident about it now, really. I wish I could take it all back.”

Santos then promised that his friend Kitara Ravache would make a special trip to East Palestine with Mike Lindell in a carriage pulled by a team of unicorns in the next couple of days.

@jamboschlarmbo Coulda used some warning, pal. #GeorgeSantos #NorthPalestine #satire #politics #politik #political ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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