Mr. Ivanka Trump Continues His Twitter Feud With Mr. Crypt Keeper

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The entirety of alleged billionaire Mr. Ivanka Trump’s presidency has been marred by scandal, FBI investigation, and more palace intrigue than any previous administration. Those close to the way Trump has run his businesses noted at the time of his election and inauguration that the D-List Reality TV Host in Chief that he prefers to run his affairs in chaos, and his first term as president has certainly lived up to that prediction.

In recent memory, it’s difficult to find a presidential administration with quite so much drama and personal conflict — both externally and internally. In just two years and two months in office, Trump has had extraordinarily high turnover — two press secretaries and three chiefs of staff and the departure of several cabinet members both voluntarily, and under extreme scrutiny of their behavior — and this week he has even been feuding with George Conway, the man who is married to Kellyanne Conway, who readers might remember from her Emmy-nominated turn as the Crypt Keeper in HBO’s Tales From the Crypt, while followers of American politics know her as the one who brought “alternative facts” to the mainstream political landscape.

Mr. Crypt Keeper has not shied away from criticizing Mr. Ivanka Trump in the past, despite the fact that his wife works in Trump’s administration. Though Mr. Keeper’s criticisms have been about Trump’s demeanor, behavior, and presidential action, Mr. Ivanka’s insults have been much more generalized. Yesterday, the president retweeted one of his campaign official’s tweets. The tweet inferred that Conway’s critiques of Trump come from being jealous that his skeletal life partner has a job in the White House and he doesn’t. That is a charge that Conway has denied.

This morning, Mr. Ivanka lashed out once more at the Crypt Keeper’s husband. Calling him a “stone cold loser,” Trump became even more vicious at the end of his tweet, calling Conway a “huband from hell.”

Mr. Keeper for his part has not backed down from Trump’s attacks. In response, Conway has started repeating his belief that Trump suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. In fact, Conway has taken to tweeting excerpts from the DSM-5, a standardized set of criteria for identifying mental health disorders.

Conway has also taken to more direct insults.

Thus far, the Crypt Keeper has stayed largely silent on the feud between her boss and her husband. It’s unclear if this is because she’s been too busy minding the crypts and telling tales, or if she has some other reason for not publicly defending her husband from the vicious attacks of the most powerful manbaby in the free world. Whatever her reasoning, Conway seems to be willing to continue her reticence.

“What? Huh? What’s that? You’re breaking up! Your connection is really terrible,” Conway was seen screaming like she was on the phone, but was just inches from a reporter’s face. “I can’t answer that question because I just have no idea what you’re saying! Krrrkkkrrkkkkrrkkkrkkkrkkrkrkkk!”

Conway evaporated in a cloud of hydrogen peroxide and lies.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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